Untitled

Open the door,
it’s mid-afternoon
I’ve been waiting outside
for almost an hour

Open the door
whatever you’re doing
the windows are closed
the curtain is obscured.

Open it now
I’m getting impatient
I’ll knock on the door
Once, twice, once more

I’m losing my patience
I’ll kick it open
one, two, three
just open the door!

You stupid idiot,
I’ve been angry with you
You can’t open the door
cause you’re not even there.

-August 5, ‘08

Untitled

Pagsakay niya sa sasakyan
Ako’y napalingon, napaisip
Ano itong pinagtitigan at pinagmamasdan
Waring titiga’t ni di magawang masabihan.
Ang mamang ito, na siyang paksa.
Ang mamang bulag na nakasabay sad yip.

Nagtanong siya,
At siya’y sinagot na may kasamang ngiti
Aliw na aliw sa magalang niyang pakiwari
at kahalong lungkot ang mababasa
sa kanyang maliit na mata
Sayang at di man lamang niya makita
Ang magandang ngiti ng dalagang nausisa
Sayang at sa sa pakiramdam lamang niya ito matutuklasan.

Tanging mga tunog
Na di mawari kung ano,
Ang bintana sa realidad.
At ang mga busina, pagpreno at ang hanging malamig
Ang animong musikang ipinatutugtog.

Nakahahabag isiping ganyan ang gawain sa araw-araw.
Ang maglakbay na sarado sa kulay at kagandahan ng mundo.
Isa marahil pakiwari ng nagkulang sa pandamdam,
sana sila rin ay masilayan ang lahat ng ito.


-August 5, ‘08

Payong

Lumabas ako sa silid aklatan
dala ang mga librong
naninilaw na sa kalumaan.
Bitbit ang aking bag
at isang paying na pula.

Mula sa malayo, matatanaw
ang naglalabong kapaligiran
mula rito, sa kinatatayuan
natatanaw ko ang
malakas na ulan.

Pagkalapit ko sa labasang iyon
isang malamig na ihip
ang bumati sa akin,
kulang ang sabihing ihip yaon,
nilipad ang mga pahina
ng lumang libro.

Pagkakawaksi ng mga kagamitan
agad ipinulot ang mga pahinang
animong panahon pa ng neyolitiko
nababasa at napuputikan
hanggang sa dumating ang isang ikaw.

Kapansin-pansin
ang iyong putting ngiti
nang masilaw ako sa liwanag nito,
ngunit tinitigan kong maigi,
hindi pala ngiti ang siyang nakasisilay,
kundi ang mga bakal na nakakabit ditto.

Iniabot mo ang iyong mga kamay
na siya kong tinugon ng mga napulot ko.
Ngunit palpak, mali.
Ang mga palad koa ng iyong dinampot

Hindi ko mawari
kung isa kang tanga,
hindi ko maisip
kung bakit kaya.
Nililinlang mo ako
ng iyong mga matang
animong bituin sa pagkikislap
nasusuya na ako
sa iyong pinaggagagawa.
hindi mawari kung
ano ba talaga,
maihahampas ko na ang
mga pahinang hawak ko
ng mapansing pula ang paying mo.

Dala marahil ng kabog ng dibdib
o ng malakas na pagkulog,
nilipad muli ang mga pahinang
nakalimutan pasandali,
ang mga kaawa-awang mga papel
nagluluma, putik-putik at basing-basa

pasalamat ako, nang ika’y nagising
mula sa kasiraan
nagpasya kang tumulong magpulot ng mga ito.
Anang kalimutan ang kahibangan
at gawin ang mga dapat gawin.

Ibinalik mo ako sa lilim,
gamit ang paying na pula
saka nagpaalam kasabay ng halik
saka tumalikod at nagmadali.
Ako itong walang alam sa naganap
napasigaw ng malakas.
pagharap mo’y, nasambit ko
‘Payong kong pula, ibalik mo!’


-July 30, ‘08

An excerpt from September 27, 2007

It's gone...

The bliss that was once there.. it's gone
from what i can tell The walls i have destroyed was building again,
the gap that separated us was now too wide
Too wide!
I guess, it's the difference that was present.
The difference in time,
the difference in distance..
I cannot hope now that there'll be an us..
I should not at all hope that there could be...
I had once given up and moved on
but yet he had called again
What's past, is not to be lived at..
He said so himself
A sign? probably..

Now, i can only hope
but i can't, i need to give up hope.
I can't just live my life,
waiting for him to remember me.
I need to move on
I need to stop, I just need to.

If i could only know what he feels
if i could only know,
then i can just stop,
i can just stop hoping.. dreaming.
I really want to see him,,
Damn! it's so complicated
it's right i know,
the irony of life, my description of it
It's all very complicated..
Why can't i just walk up to his door
knock, then tell him
what i wanted him to hear.
Then i could just stop regretting
what i didn't do.
I need to, before its too late.
I need to..

Before somebody else could own his heart

My Mask

My mask is slipping off..
it seemed like it's broke
the force inside me
had knocked so hard,

it cracked my mask..

i can't put it back
i can't mask my face..

it's so hard to pretend
just to stop people from asking
it's so hard to lie
to some close hearts.
I wish it to stop,
so i won't wear it again.

I hate to wear that stupid broken mask.

An entry from June 20, 2007

I just finished my first class, Chemistry. Today i realized that it does not matter whether i am the weakest link or the class top nothing amongst valedictorians, salutatorians and honor rollers. It doesn't even matter what i am before. Here is a totally strange world where you could let your inner self out. I also realized my role to this society, in this university. I am here to express and learn not to impress others on what i am pretending to know.

College is a different river from what we came from. the current is stronger, the water deeper. if high school was you were dependent and if there's independence it is limited, college would be farther. you will be totally independent on your choices, on what you do. if teachers in high school are advisers and guidance counselors, here they are just the source of knowledge. You don't let them find you because they obviously won't. If in high school you'll spend your time being chased by teachers, college will be the other way around, looking for pins on a stack of needles. and then you'll see the irony in life: They give you a moment in heaven then they hit you like a baseball down into what seems like a living hell.

But now, as i see it, college would be interesting and fun.

First love,,

They say that first love never dies. i guess it was true from what I've heard, but is it really when it seems like you've been forgotten by the one who you thought to be your first love?

I was just this typical somebody. I was grade two and i didn't know him. It was the time of grade four when he, at last, made a grand entrance in my life. Grand? When i can't even remember how i met him. All i know is, that he's a seat mate, he became a friend.
Every passing day was a day worth looking forward to. There i developed into something a child cannot name. There at the mere presence of him, makes me smile.
He then spoke to me of things that cracks my shiny heart. The first stab of pain. He told me, he liked someone else. He didn't know what i felt for him. He even raved on how we looked alike. I felt weirded by his behavior. He told me of things i don't make sense of. He told me, he saw me when we were in grade 2. I don't even know him at that time. He wanted me to sit by his side. He even said yes for a picture with just the two of us! Something my childish mind can't agree with. He made me feel that he was, like, having an interest on me.
I was on the brink of asking him whether or not does he like me. And i almost did, if it wasn't for this pride i have.
And now, 4 years had passed since our unofficial adieu. Four years since the happy memories. Years since the unforgettable experiences.
Now, after four years of waiting, he then took another entrance in my life. We're not children anymore. We're already teenagers and after a year or so, legally adults. I have every opportunity of asking whether he loves me or not. I don't have the childlike courage who is not afraid of losing. I have now become so afraid of losing that only thing I have in this life. I was so scared of taking risks, of losing our friendship. My heart suffered 10 folds, it was already crumbling to dust at the sight of 'i love you' in his page. I wish to know if he cares for me. I wish to know if he feels the same way i do. I wish to know if it is true that first love never dies..