Things I Once Did

One thing I never told anybody was once when I was little, I've let the spirit of death house at the cavern of my thoughts
Fantasies that includes solitude, sudden drone of sadness, and the mesmerizing tome of a monotone devoid of personal thoughts
Death is a shadow lingering through my indecisions and doubts

Once, I carried confidence like a hidden jewel only to be shown when no one's around
The childlike curiosity that questions without further ado

Once, in my mind's eye I had superpowers
Superabilities hidden from the naked eye
I am invincible, my name a whisper - the brunt of my identity perceived by the masses

Once, I've trusted fools who'd always remember me solely for times of need
I'd give more than I ever received
Pieces of my soul, shattered and scattered
Parts of me losing touch from being away for too long

Once, I felt I should give
Only to take none but lies to my face
The blatant truth, universally acknowledge -- money rules the minds of people, of worlds

Once, I gave my heart for the first time
first times could never happen again

Once, I've loved a man who can never love me back
He broke my heart not knowing my name or how I feel

Once, I've loved a man whose heart is always empty
We've meet an hour or two over bottles of beer, consolation for the dried, the old, and the flame that could never be lit

Once I lost a man who'll never be back
Where he stood was a mirage of who he used to be

Once, I've taken enough darkness to self-destruct

Once, I've lived without light until I could see past the broken lamp
My senses never dulled at the height of certain delusions
I've seen scents clearly at every time the moon rises

Once, I've tried to forget the pain
I feel the tiny thousand needles that could've pierced the soft swell of flesh protruding out of this excuse of a frail body

Once, I've cried until my eyes dried of tears
My chest could almost burst at the unimagined grief

Once, I immersed in the pool of denial

Once, I have fantasies of reality turning into dreams

Once, I wished life is just a nightmare

Once, I wished the future is a hoax
Time is a paradox,
Time is a parallel verse
The world is one, but many. Many but one.

Once, I was a bit smart
Once, I know things

Once, I am. I was
But my mind can only think --
I was naive, little person whose senses drown every time the door locks.

Once, I've killed myself
In my mind, over and over and over, an endless loop
I've hated myself too much to pick a knife and gut my flesh, just leave and never look back

Once, I was alone
Left to be fed
Almost dead

Once, I've lived another life
Once more, I'd stand tall
Rising back from the fall
Like phoenix, birthing from embers

Once, I'll walk this journey once, more. 

For K

Loving you is an Ethereal Bliss

                that sets the f i r e w o r k s

                                in an uncanny motion

- the dizzying lights:

                a sunburst of faded colors,

    bright as cosmic rays.

Your Love feels like a f

                                              a

                                                  L

                                                      L

     f r e e d o m       from jumping

                when you're acrophobic

   like stars,

like comets plummeting in

                speeds of light

like rains of silvers amidst

                                a dark blanket

     in haste to kiss the

                                                  ground

collapsing in an agreeing echo.

Your Love brings tears to my eyes

when I thought my soul has dried

                H U M A N I T Y

                                in me.

Your Love, the opposite of wicked -

   the selfless desire that lights candles

with a breath of   a  i  r

Your Love is no Hearts

but         flowers                 without roots

    wishes             that heeded                       nothing,

songs with no                     music

                music with no                     captions

                                captions with no                              words

Your Love is a MAGNUM OPUS -

timeless  t h e m e  that held        No Limits.

Your Love is my

                                       anchor,

                one that sets

   a thread - thin as it may - back to the

                                                                     ground

The place I was made

                                                The place where we met. //030716

His Perpetual Love Story

Her difference stands out

Black hair. Short in stature.
Face painted in pallid shade.
Blank mask, faded impressions.

The way her shoulders hunch to hide
The way her hair falls to obscure her face
The way her hands tucked to turn invisible
The way she could lose in the sea of people
Milling in, coming out, destroying her.

It takes guts to seduce the food for the gods.

Hers is a book I couldn't wait to read
Hers is a song I wouldn't tire in hearing
Her voice is a spell, her voice is a charm
Hers is a void, I wouldn't mind losing into

She laughs like a hundred chimes in the wind
Happiness that spreads like disease
She smiles like a thousand lights
Colors that burst like the sun
She sees through the broken glass
She held the life of me at the palm of her hands

She became the light of my darkest way
She is the love of my life.

She is my love.
She is my life.

She never left.
I disappeared.

She is always there.
Until.

She was. //012215

Preemption

I graduated with honors

Excited with the second phase

I was 12.

I became vain.

My body is sacred. I am beautiful.

Men adored me.

I was 14.

I never knew love

Like I knew how his words

Swept me off my feet.

I was 15.

It was pleasure. This was pleasure.

It wasn't just a child play.

I'm grown up.

I was 16.

That was a mistake.

My future halts,

A child on its way. //

Homeless

Son, I left food in the microwave.

Your dad is on another business trip.

Don’t wait up, I’ll be home late.

Madilim nanaman ang paligid

Ang katahimikang babasag sa kabingihan

Subukan ko kayang umupo sa tabi

- panghawi lang sa nahahapong damdamin.

Really now, I don’t have the time

I have to work to feed us, you know?

Besides, I never raised you just to be second best!

Para saan pa at kumuha ng patimpalak

Kung sila man ay hindi makaalala

Marahil sapat na ang nagaalab na pagnanasa

- walang mararating ang karangalang hayok sa paapuri.

You probably got it from dallying too much

You should start acting like a grown up.

I never raised a son who misbehaved.

Alin ang tama sa maling lipunan,

Alin ang mali sa bulag na palakad,

Kung ang tahanang kinalakhan ay tumuro sa iba?

Sino pa ang gagabay sa batang ligaw?

Son, it’s because I love you that I have to leave

This is all for your future’s sake.

That someday, we’ll live in a pool of gold, never worrying.

Ina, binansagang ilaw ngunit pundi

Ama, haliging sa ibang bahay bumabakod

Ba’t hindi niyo balikan ang bukang-liwayway

Gusto ko mang umuwi,

Pero saan ako lulugar?// 100515

.. rejected piece...

A Eulogy for my Most Beloved

People would not always recall

the evils of the heart

as what you've believed

your philosophy, the mantra of your soul.

Odes that would sing

a millennium of regret

- the end does not cover

how you've fulfilled your vows.

People would then recall

the kindness of your heart

what you've believed

your humble thoughts.

Sonnets does nothing more

than to restrict your bounds

- our end would always cover

how kindness does not mean Truths.

Your lies are my truth

and your lies spoke true

That I would cry rivers

should you jump to the other side.

I would cry when you depart

grieve when you're still here

for your love is not for me

but for when you turned free.

This words are not for you

when you flee with your own accord

This words does not speak

for the life, or death, of you.

This song is made for you

though not for your self.

My love from this words

came from the fact of inflicted pain.

I should have wrote

with soul when it was still mine

I should have wrote

when I was still filled with that flickering flame.

It'll never be too late

to write you a letter

but it was too late

to leave without pain.// 012115

Sonnet: Love-maker's Candles

Candles flickering by the moons

caressing skins, soft like meadows

scented smoke and woods and rivers

painted a picture of vast lands.

The glory that could claim what the gods

would blame, humanity's doings.

Nothing would ever compare these

from ancient ruins. Not even then

the truth from illusions, nor the

light of allusions. Streams of moon-

lit infatuations, that bright

blight of fiery passion throes and throngs.

My love of you is a candle

spread eagle across the landscape.// 012115

Stargazer

I wished to lie

stark naked to the cold

December air

sending chills to the bone.

I’d like a blanket

of stars

and glitters

where my constellation

of thoughts

form no path.

You are not

there when I needed you.

Stargazer,

the hermit I seek

count not the dots

amidst millions.

Trace not the path

- my thoughts, my fears

I do not dare believe

prophesies of

destinies and fate.

You became that dream

                I created out of need.

Daydream,

is what I do.

With the light of day

and twilight as its trail.

I bring forth

the imaginarium of thoughts.

Encased

in a fish bowl

underneath the blanket of moon.// 010315

That Perfect Fit of a Heartbreak

You just stopped being there

for all of the best, the worst of all times

where you ignored most of my plea

hands held up like surrender spree

You just stopped coming back

when I never threw you out

You just stopped walking by

when I thought we’re side by side

I reached for a hand,

I reached thin air in space.

Where were you when I looked back?

That empty spot at the corner of a couch

Where had your essence gone?

When I sensed the warm disappear

You just stood up, turned away

                without a  second glance.

My heart skipped a beat as I heard a siren sing

red flashing lights, a warning death is near

I lingered with disbelief, scared of a sacred need

until I saw your back, living like nothing’s amiss.

I reached for your hand,

I reached your cold empty space.

Where were you when I looked back?

Your shadow that used to fallback behind.

Where had your essence gone?

When all I could see are disappearing acts.

You just stopped, stared to forget

                in a heartbeat, without a glance.

Where were your little words?

Ones you’ll whisper in my ears.

Where had your sonnets rhyme?

My words halted in mid-second stride

You are my perfect fit, now ending in a broken thread

                my heart abrupt in break.// 010515

Untitled 112914

I stopped believing

            that day when you said

I love you.

Since we've talked,

            word per word.

Where we walked

            hand in hand.

When we kiss,

            tongue to tongue.

And we fucked

- god, that heavenly bliss -

plummeting back

            to deception and lies.

You seemed open

with almost adultery acts.

You seemed sincere

with your change of heart.

You spout words as easy as that

            where love and distrust

becomes a singular thought.

No man could

ever come across

the same reckless path.

You would never know

- how your lies became my strength.//

112914

Untitled 112614

I dreamed

            that fantasy I've kept

in denial. I cannot

be at that state

of infatuated bliss.

You,

            are just an

embodiment of masculine

pheromones.

I woke

            wishing to relive

that intoxication

- drunken by your melancholy.

You,

            coincidentally,

an epitome of all past

inflicted tortures.

I swallowed,

            my faith in my own

could never be justified.

Reality bites,

            reality shoves,

headfirst. Like a slap in the face.

I can only dream.

I can only wish.

Reality says:

            I should never hope.//

112614

I, and, used to be, You.

This is a Sonnet
Narrating a Love song.
Of you.
Of me.
Of us, not you and me.

I yearned for a life
driven by purpose.
With the purpose,
the aim,
the objective,
the apple of my eyes
whom I could
devote
planting seeds.

You've created the mirage,
one I could work
without such green thumb.
You drifted apart
towards the epicenter,
and thus,
together was born.

We,
were born out of sorrows.
Amidst the raging fire- heat,
from the eye of the storm- fast,
time becomes
an eternal foe.
The cliche of "us"
against the tides
meant much more
than why we live.

This is love,
amidst the poetic design
contradicting
the beautiful things.
Love became
the 'red' of war
and when we wage- we placed our lives on the line.

Our love
would never be tragic.
We would, in eternity,
be a 'comma.'
The story that
kept on
drowning its narration.
This sonnet.
Of you.
Of me.
Of us, not I and you.
I,would never part
from the thunderstorm
Even if you had.

Even if you already had.// 29-January-2014

I Hate that I am Human

I hate phone calls
            hate that I need to talk

Hate
seemed to be strong
a word that denotes
            misanthropism.

I hate conversations,- not convocations
not THAT type
where you get to know.

I hate how            
we'll need to keep up
words
that precedes expectations.

I hate
how to draw            
attentions
with mainstream-ish tendencies- an apparent need
like necessities.

I hate the perks of being human.

Willing to Wait

Tick-tock

the clock is running

Humid air hung in solemn

sun at its peak

The shadows stagnant

in a few millimeter's radius

at her feet.

"To whom do we serve

this purpose in vain wait?"

As she was a statue

among trees.

Busy bustles

the slur of passing cars

Often a shrill of

screeching asphalts

Steady wind

that does not sway

a strand of her hair.

"To what could be accomplished

by standing still?"

Both hands hanging

limply by her sides.

Graying clouds

Leaves in concrete motions

Stale air

accompanied with

the sun's stench

Amidst the life on the go

Face blanked

where emotions had fled.

"Why keep on doing

something without purpose?"

With that,

sighed in resignation. //

05-december-2013

Simple Wish

Sleep seemed

to be the farthest sound

One that strained to hear.

Strange,

that melody kept playing on

but the words

sounded gibberish

that passes through the canals

of my thoughts.

Strange,

that melody of no rhythm

no notes could hold,

like water

I could contain at the

cup of my palm.

Sleep seemed

too far for me to reach.

No metaphors

could symbolize

an act of pure desperation.

No reasons

could amount

to questions with no lead.

Strange,

that I couldn't use

a sense to perceive

something slipping

from my grasp.

The act of

closing the eyes

Where the senses

could still drift

midway,

from the linen sheets,

the stagnant air,

the stale taste,

and that metallic stench.

Where I could

hear that annoying buzz

Heat from a

drenched

blanket of wooden cloth.

There it goes,

the crowning of thorns,

the horizon

spreads its wings

and that shimmer

of orange light

painting the floors

blood red.//

29-January-2014

For Renee - in interpretations of a way of life

You kept your world

in a minimum span

of your experiences.

Open.

To the point of beliefs

and the vast

acceptance of inexperience.

You've kept touch

out of people

who touches your life

and lies that corrode

from that multitude of thoughts.

You are a deep well

of archaeological soil

where the weather

creates sedimentary craft

over time and epochs

of your being.

You've kept your views

in a channel of perspective

that what you say

is not who you are.

You take life

as a stepping stone

- a battle with strategies.

A plot for life.

You plan,

take notes,

and yet let rivers

carry you to the every page

- to every journey

where you don't take part.

You are a budding soul

yet to encounter

Fate

in its own form.

04-December-2013

Untitled

I am lost

within transitions of everyday bearings

abruptly dismantled

from an ideal world,

breaking free from insignificant routines.

I've changed various perspectives

liberal mind, still a coward to changes.

I could not apply,

I have gained more than I could give.

I am still that curled figure

within the corner of the dark room.

My mind is cluttered

with fluctuating thoughts

and overflowing ideas.

Ideals with no physical soul

in trials to assuming an identity.

Yet deemed late in blossoms.

Lost within the swirls and tides

that chaotic feeling drowning

in a vast empty space.

These words petrified,

screaming with no meaning.

27-November-2013

Untitled

Leave it be,

the loneliness would soon

succumb back to its wallows.

Soon,

as long as I don't catch a glimpse

my life would revolve back

to where you don't exist.

I long for the days,

where I do not think

where I do not lie

I do not hide

I long for the days

when I could smile

just think of the end of the day

not, the end of my life.

You are the sunshine

My oxygen, my H₂O

I would break stop this photosynthetic cycle

Break free

and flee.

24-October-2013

Untitled

I'm scared to fall

scared that it's a dream

I'm a fool easy to please

blindfolded, smiling with ease.

Be careful with my heart

Be careful with your words

take heed when others say

She's innocent yet naive.

I'm scared to take part

Scared to commit

I didn't want to admit

because if you'd known

- you'd toy with my soul.

My red thread could be cut,

- tied at a post

could easily be mistaken

connected through your wrist.

I'm scared to part

scared to let go.

Did you aim to break hearts?

Fine, take mine

you win.

I wish I could not feel

I wish I could reel

I wish when you leave

You'd take the pain

from longing deep,

falling far.

Just take a lifetime of love

I'd rather live empty

and lose.

21-October-2013