(around 2pm)
I slept last night with no blanket and the elctric fan directed at me.
which would probably explain why i had a cold when i woke up or why i had been feeling sick since this morning.
i would have stayed at home and sleep but there would be an applicant's meeting this afternoon that i wouldn't dare miss.
As the talent's night/day was scheduled this thursday.
i mean, i had no complains whatsoever since i was the one who decided to be a part of this organization,
and the word 'quit' is an unacceptable one in my dictionary.
Still, the gravity of school is starting to get to me,
and the fact that i wasn't entirey feeling well these past few weeks kind of gives me the necessary hesitations enough to make me quit.
But no, i'm not going to quit.
not unless, my grades would take another dive.
and should i fail another major exam.
Which would probably manifest a few weeks from now - namely, my chemistry exam.
testing my limits was something i decided to do.
i'm a lover of chalenges.
and i love it when the work given to me gives me no time to play.
i love how pressure gives me higher focus and all those sleepless nights when i have to finish everything right before the deadline.
Yeah, you've read that RIGHT, i love all those things.
i just hated it when it starts taking it's toll on my body - getting sick, sleepiness, headaches and migraines.
Like, right now.
i love how i struggle over figuring out what to do.
but my love for it was eventually fluctuating as my body screams for rest or the fact that my head aches from thinking too much.
also, the fact that i'm mostly at home gives me so much trouble.
Don't get me wrong, i love my family.
But they are one major distraction.
Home is a place where most of my distractions came from.
I mean, my family is the reason why i do good.
but they are also the reason that keeps holding me back.
I will endlessly thank them for the time, the love, the support - which means a LOT to me.
I don't blame them for the expectations, for the pressure.
but these things that i had been doing was not based on my personal desire.
i did not dream of becoming a slave to science where my world is confined with the laws that science itself has set.
i do not wish to immerse myself in the complications that science brings.
i don't find the pleasure in computations, in thinking theoretical where my personal opinion and biases does not matter - where I don't matter.
Yeah, it was my decision.
No, it was not my passion.
My passion was something that was created when i wanted to escape this world.
And it was something that was realized when it was too late to back-out.
My passion lies in the arts.
I love suffering under the wings of darkness, when what i am suffering for is something i love.
the same reason and logic that was applied to falling in love.
Love is finding your happiness, living in it, until one day it wants you to pay up an suffer.
love is waiting, the pure torture of being tied up in front of the very thing you wanted most.
Love is like walking on the edge of a cliff, where you live with the temporary pleasure of living when all of a sudden, falls down into the ravine.
The worse (or perhaps its best) part of it was making it up to be alive, only to cry the story out in great depression.
The passion that lies within me is an obssession.
it was love in a way, but it is not in some way.
it was torture in a way, but it isn't in another.
My point, is somehow lost in the making.
perhaps this whole rambling was a contradiction.
perhaps i was just making up things.
perhaps this was a representation of what was inside my head.
'what i know', is really 'what i don't care knowing.'
'what i feel', is actually 'what i think i feel'
i mean, it all goes back to the prime question - the root of all the stupid questions that people think are not stupid but in reality they are.
"what is our purpose in being?"
----
The good thing about rambling is that it actually calms my mind.
puts me back in the right track when i wanted to give up and abandon all th things i'm doing.
(10:35pm)
(11:45pm)
i actually slept for abbout an hour, the reason why there was nothing written after 10:35pm.
i spent the past few hours staring into the page, that's why there was no output regarding my Chemistry RDR.
Seems to me that all i ever complain bout here was my chemistry subject - it's taking it's toll on me. BIG TIME.
but i can do all this.
i believe i can.
because if i don't believe in myself? who will?
I CAN DO THIS.
if they can do it, so can i.
I can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.
i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.
i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.
i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.
Anyway, that's all i was going to write anyway.
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