Thoughts of an Undefined

Monday, September 19, 2011

Do I lack the experience

the trip to the memory lane
was fast paced.
time constraint.
nerve wrecking.
and yet when every scene unfolds,
innocence pales in contrast.

do i act like that?
a pathetic excuse
for a godforsaken child
bloodless, with pallid skin
purplish lips,
pouring green slime
wherever there's dirt.

do i act like thee,
oh high and mighty one?
the one you used to love
the one you used to fuck
screaming the name
almost with a sigh
cooling netherland with
your immaturish feat.

do i live like that,
that childish soul?
anguished spirits
with graceful acts.
bashing the words
from the angels mouth
holy, uncouth
blushing at the sight
of your kissing lips.

do i lack the experience?
when you caught the sight
of my pinkish face
the fad i left
the crisis behind me.
lagging behind that wonderful flesh
inside my room naked, left undecide.

Backtrack: 16-Aug-10

(around 2pm)

I slept last night with no blanket and the elctric fan directed at me.

which would probably explain why i had a cold when i woke up or why i had been feeling sick since this morning.

i would have stayed at home and sleep but there would be an applicant's meeting this afternoon that i wouldn't dare miss.

As the talent's night/day was scheduled this thursday.

i mean, i had no complains whatsoever since i was the one who decided to be a part of this organization,

and the word 'quit' is an unacceptable one in my dictionary.

Still, the gravity of school is starting to get to me,

and the fact that i wasn't entirey feeling well these past few weeks kind of gives me the necessary hesitations enough to make me quit.

But no, i'm not going to quit.

not unless, my grades would take another dive.

and should i fail another major exam.

Which would probably manifest a few weeks from now - namely, my chemistry exam.

testing my limits was something i decided to do.

i'm a lover of chalenges.

and i love it when the work given to me gives me no time to play.

i love how pressure gives me higher focus and all those sleepless nights when i have to finish everything right before the deadline.

Yeah, you've read that RIGHT, i love all those things.

i just hated it when it starts taking it's toll on my body - getting sick, sleepiness, headaches and migraines.

Like, right now.

i love how i struggle over figuring out what to do.

but my love for it was eventually fluctuating as my body screams for rest or the fact that my head aches from thinking too much.

also, the fact that i'm mostly at home gives me so much trouble.

Don't get me wrong, i love my family.

But they are one major distraction.

Home is a place where most of my distractions came from.

I mean, my family is the reason why i do good.

but they are also the reason that keeps holding me back.

I will endlessly thank them for the time, the love, the support - which means a LOT to me.

I don't blame them for the expectations, for the pressure.

but these things that i had been doing was not based on my personal desire.

i did not dream of becoming a slave to science where my world is confined with the laws that science itself has set.

i do not wish to immerse myself in the complications that science brings.

i don't find the pleasure in computations, in thinking theoretical where my personal opinion and biases does not matter - where I don't matter.

Yeah, it was my decision.

No, it was not my passion.

My passion was something that was created when i wanted to escape this world.

And it was something that was realized when it was too late to back-out.

My passion lies in the arts.

I love suffering under the wings of darkness, when what i am suffering for is something i love.

the same reason and logic that was applied to falling in love.

Love is finding your happiness, living in it, until one day it wants you to pay up an suffer.

love is waiting, the pure torture of being tied up in front of the very thing you wanted most.

Love is like walking on the edge of a cliff, where you live with the temporary pleasure of living when all of a sudden, falls down into the ravine.

The worse (or perhaps its best) part of it was making it up to be alive, only to cry the story out in great depression.

The passion that lies within me is an obssession.

it was love in a way, but it is not in some way.

it was torture in a way, but it isn't in another.

My point, is somehow lost in the making.

perhaps this whole rambling was a contradiction.

perhaps i was just making up things.

perhaps this was a representation of what was inside my head.

'what i know', is really 'what i don't care knowing.'

'what i feel', is actually 'what i think i feel'

i mean, it all goes back to the prime question - the root of all the stupid questions that people think are not stupid but in reality they are.

"what is our purpose in being?"

----

The good thing about rambling is that it actually calms my mind.

puts me back in the right track when i wanted to give up and abandon all th things i'm doing.

(10:35pm)

(11:45pm)

i actually slept for abbout an hour, the reason why there was nothing written after 10:35pm.

i spent the past few hours staring into the page, that's why there was no output regarding my Chemistry RDR.

Seems to me that all i ever complain bout here was my chemistry subject - it's taking it's toll on me. BIG TIME.

but i can do all this.

i believe i can.

because if i don't believe in myself? who will?

I CAN DO THIS.

if they can do it, so can i.

I can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.

i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.

Anyway, that's all i was going to write anyway.

Backtrack: 10-Aug-10

Sucks with the video.

I can't seem to write anything earlier, so i took a break - from anything else,

opened up a new browser and played the blue train by Asian Kung-fu Generation.

One of my favorite bands.

I find watching music videos a fascinating past time.

it's not like, we get attracted to the songs or what not.

Yes, i get attracted to the song, partly.

to the singer (much so, if they're uber goodlooking), the instruments the bands play with (much so, if i see the Gibson/Fender that i really really wanted),

the background, or the underlying theme that was being used.

I like gothic ones, bloody ones, dark and almost depressing.

More so, if the song's really one.

I'm not a fan of pop, of love songs or freaky ballads.

I don't hate the classics nor am i obsessed with it.

whenever i hear them, it'll only depends on my mood if i'll not skip them.

I take everything for granted.

Figures isn't?

maybe i'll wake up with my eyes gouged out, my limbs cut off or my hearing impaired.

but the scary thing is,

i can't say that i'm really bothered by that.

i couldn't care less that i'm going bald tomorrow or i'll get killed the next second.

Cause you'll never know what happens when everything you just thought about happened.

And i decided to live not wanting to know,

like, i wanted everything to just come in bunch of surprises.

Loving spoilers and being spoiled are two different things after all.

Notice how my writing seems to have less of a passion.

Maybe because, i'm just doing this to pass the time.

Not that my heart is already in it,

maybe i'll go at it later... when i feel like it.

(some time later)

And when I say, i feel like it, i meant I feel like it.

i just remembered that lady at a cafeteria in the university

(mind you, there are a LOT of cafeterias in the university)

I found out that she gave me an excess of 50 pesos in my change.

(I paid a hundred, i got a 120 change)

of course i didn't notice it until i was at the library sometime later.

i didn't return it.

even if my conscience's already nagging me, i didn't care.

i'm sick of being broke.

maybe bad karma'll strike back - the hell do i care.

I also reviewed a whole chapter on chemistry,

i still have... let's see... five more?

the exam's in 3 days. three freaking days.

and i still have to finish another RDR, a worksheet, then create another RDR.

i'm starting to get annoyed with my own incapability of doing things right.

So there, i'm vowing that i'll aim higher (higher than JUST PASS),,

like, i really need to quit slacking and work some more.

It's not like may parents are the ones who's going to suffer when i fail all my exams and fail my whole semester.

I AM.

Me, myself and I.

My vanity, my pride, MY EGO - a HUGE chunk of this stupid life.

trip to oblivion

speeding downhil

the business of fads and wads

spit into the nicely done cake

get sued for paying exact

whatever.

Backtrack: 09-Aug-10

Fuck you.

That was my opening statement.

If you guessed that i had a bad day, you'd guessed right.

half-right anyway.

one, i didn't wake up feeling bad, or grouchy, or what-not.

two, my day's proceeding greatly, thank you very much.

then came, the other half.

the other fucking half.

Thanks to basically, everything about my class tomorrow.

I'm failing, i don't need another punch in the face to figure that out.

I'm failing, i don't need to compute everything to arrive at that equation.

everything is so fucking obvious.

and the more i think of MY FRIEND,

the more insecure i get.

she's better at everything than i am.

maybe she's just more grade conscious than i am.

or maybe that's my big bruised ego talking.

Nope, it's my INSECURITIES talking.

i want to have many things.

i want to BE many things.

Heck, I WANT MANY THINGS.

That's my fucking problem.

instead of focusing my energies into IMPROVING one after the other,

i just have to aim for everthhing else, then screw them all - one after the fucking other.

So, why am writing all these?

you could probably say it's writer's block.

except that i'm not writing anything enjoyable. or sensible.

I don't find chemistry to be as appealing as poetry. or any literature.

Because, i stupidly realize that i wasn't born to be science geek.

Stupidly and blindly chasing after my father's disillusioned dream, just because of a current fad or obsession.

But what the hell, i'm already here might as well make the most out of it - WITHOUT BEING SARCASTIC

Fuck You

So here, i'm not actually done yet.

i need to get my juices running, before i can actually indulge in the actual creation of make-up lines that would surely sound realistic.

(And yet another - fuck you - you made me think of something stupid.)

The reason, i was actually BEHIND on my every schoolwork was because i chose to be.

i chose it to be left behind, left alone until there were only 5 hours before leaving for school.

Getting ready for it and sleeping already counted within that pathetically short 5 hours.

i'm busy taking those side trips, too long of a break, sleeping, imagining and writing pathetically fucking stories that, if they were to come true, signals the apocalypse.

Not kidding there.

So yeah, basically, EVERYTHING that has been happening was all because of my inability to prioritize,

my overconfidence in managing everything,

my cocky attitude that luck is on my side when in fact it's coincidence that mostly puts up with my whims.

I'm calming down.

Gotta get started on my pathetically stupid chemistry paper.

Backtrack: 08-Aug-10

The reason i got hooked up with final fantasy was because everybody else seemed to like it.

and i'm just this typical moron who loves to be on the trend.

But who am i kidding,

deep down inside me, no matter how much i try to demy it.

i'm stil that loser who's also called a weirdo.

i'm weird, i know.

i got hurt when my crush wrote 'weird' on my back sometime in high school.

You must be wondering why am i still upn at this crazy hour.

(not that uou knew that, you don;t see me anyhow. i can't sleep with reading those fanfics

and i don't see myself sleeping until there's a thin white light in the horion,

whoever invented the internet is such a great guy... sometimes.

i mean, think about it: he's great when we need escape, he's not when we face reality)

So here, i just finished washing the dishes, at 2am, BTW.

and my dad shut off the freaking telly, before that.

they got sucked into watching avatar, the last airbender

it was so fucking infuriating.

mainly because i'm a big zutara fan.

i just want the avatar to die on his mission so that katara and zuko can finally get together.

oh, and mei too.

i wish writing RDRs is THIS fun.

i mean, i love writing and all, but let's face it.

THAT's science, you don't need to write about it.

i love simple statistics, basic math operations, but i never liked writing boring science reports

WTH, even though i can't seem to agree or anything.

FUCK.

later. it's just getting really boring.

8 August '10

(The afternoon after)

So yeah, i'm still here. Woke up late. Ate late. Did my chores late.

The end product? I'm still here waiting in the starting point.

waiting for a miracle to happen.

The miracle? like, smething to take over my life right now.

A big wave or something, just to wash away these stupid thoughts, the stupid insecurities.

Oh, and this stupid life itself.

FUCK YOU.

i could tell, my dad's having problems.

the way he keeps on shutting himself to the world,

either sleeping or immersed in his stupid laptop doing everything weird.

like, NOT working and just watching those Shakira music videos or spanish rocks and music.

Whatever.

it's not like i care,

i would be very happy if they told me to stop and take another leave at school for the next semester.

ruin my life for all i care.

my tumblr page took too long to open up,

i think i forgot all i was going to post.

stupid fluctuating internet connection.

I also have to leave tomorrow.

i need to do my RDRs and doing them here is not exactly a good idea.

considering the fact that whatever schoolwork i do here, gets suck into a blackhole.

ANOTHER FUCK YOU.

My mom also went home today.

goodbye nights of sleeping late.

goodbye slacking off.

goodbye to you, responsibility that weighs down my head.

I'm free, thank you very much.

i can go out, come home late.

just NOT here.

Selective Breathing

Give out explanations

without

certain applications,

implications

and what nots.

Basically,

tell me how,

to breathe

with selected molecules.

It's not that,

I don't want to

inhale

purely oxygen.

What I want to avoid

was something

molecules from,

molecules with

Your initials impart

with subatomic

particles.

It's not that

I'm disgusted

with the thought,

just that

Your scent

overflows in the air

pheromones

giving thoughts

images

to the extreme.

Whilst here

I was trying to forget.

Give out explanations

implications

causes and effects

further reactions

where your actions

may mean

no harm,

You have no idea

how it's slowly killing me.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Chapter 5

Last one on my pc.

Probably take longer time to update.

I don't actually have time to write anymore.

Because of my job,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was on a date with his long time girlfriend when Itachi called.

He was always at awe with Uchiha Itachi. A little intimidated. A little irritated.

Partly because he is Uchiha Sasuke's bestfriend.

Motioning a 'wait-a-sec' gesture to Hinata, he answered the phone after swallowing an inexistent wad in his mouth.

"Did my brother tell you where he'll be today?"

Itachi was already asking before Naruto could think of an appropriate greeting.

"No, he didn't"

He was already sweating.

"Did he told you anything else."

Naruto was a bad liar, everyone who knew him knows that.

"H… He told me… he'll stay over for a week."

There was a long pause which Naruto was pretty much reluctant to break.

"Er…"

"I'll call your mother."

Was Itachi's abrupt reply and the line went dead.

Naruto, teary-eyed, ran to his girlfriend.

"Hina-chan!"

"As I thought, that Teme's brother is really scary. He was asking about Teme's behavior…"

Naruto was rambling on and on about Sasuke's weird family (his brother) when he realized something.

"Say, did they got into a fight or something. His brother sounded really tense."

Naruto was lost in thought for a moment.

"Whatever. I'll ask Teme later, there's something there that he wasn't telling me."

He faced Hinata only to find her staring intently at him. Her face growing pink.

They stared at each other. (Of course, Hinata was trying her best not to look away.)

"Hina-chan, are you feeling alright, your face is red."

He felt her forehead.

"You're kinda warm. I'll take you home. Can you walk?"