For Renee - in interpretations of a way of life

You kept your world

in a minimum span

of your experiences.

Open.

To the point of beliefs

and the vast

acceptance of inexperience.

You've kept touch

out of people

who touches your life

and lies that corrode

from that multitude of thoughts.

You are a deep well

of archaeological soil

where the weather

creates sedimentary craft

over time and epochs

of your being.

You've kept your views

in a channel of perspective

that what you say

is not who you are.

You take life

as a stepping stone

- a battle with strategies.

A plot for life.

You plan,

take notes,

and yet let rivers

carry you to the every page

- to every journey

where you don't take part.

You are a budding soul

yet to encounter

Fate

in its own form.

04-December-2013

Untitled

I am lost

within transitions of everyday bearings

abruptly dismantled

from an ideal world,

breaking free from insignificant routines.

I've changed various perspectives

liberal mind, still a coward to changes.

I could not apply,

I have gained more than I could give.

I am still that curled figure

within the corner of the dark room.

My mind is cluttered

with fluctuating thoughts

and overflowing ideas.

Ideals with no physical soul

in trials to assuming an identity.

Yet deemed late in blossoms.

Lost within the swirls and tides

that chaotic feeling drowning

in a vast empty space.

These words petrified,

screaming with no meaning.

27-November-2013

Untitled

Leave it be,

the loneliness would soon

succumb back to its wallows.

Soon,

as long as I don't catch a glimpse

my life would revolve back

to where you don't exist.

I long for the days,

where I do not think

where I do not lie

I do not hide

I long for the days

when I could smile

just think of the end of the day

not, the end of my life.

You are the sunshine

My oxygen, my H₂O

I would break stop this photosynthetic cycle

Break free

and flee.

24-October-2013

Untitled

I'm scared to fall

scared that it's a dream

I'm a fool easy to please

blindfolded, smiling with ease.

Be careful with my heart

Be careful with your words

take heed when others say

She's innocent yet naive.

I'm scared to take part

Scared to commit

I didn't want to admit

because if you'd known

- you'd toy with my soul.

My red thread could be cut,

- tied at a post

could easily be mistaken

connected through your wrist.

I'm scared to part

scared to let go.

Did you aim to break hearts?

Fine, take mine

you win.

I wish I could not feel

I wish I could reel

I wish when you leave

You'd take the pain

from longing deep,

falling far.

Just take a lifetime of love

I'd rather live empty

and lose.

21-October-2013

Untitled

I kept thinking about

the things that gone past

along the busy rustle

of life moving on.

Changes that ignites on

fueled with desire

though I am rooted

my mind is growing

with anticipation and dreams.

I was thinking about

you and your

manly physique.

You were never smart

You were never

the good-looking guy

You were someone

easily deplored

You have no existence

You don't belong

And you lived in your own

set of paradise

with fucked-up ways

You were tender loving

sugar-coated lies

with a flesh.

I would be thinking

of a life without you

without me thinking,

yearning for the thrill

the impossible brings.

17-October-2013

Paper cut roses

Paper cut roses
scented with perfume.
Does not need sun for nurture.
Does not need air in continuum.
Propped in a vase in its solitude
It would not wither nor perish.
It would stand still and sway,
the wind in constant visitance.

Paper cut roses
attached through a wire.,
an admirable decoration
crafted with ingenuity
it could just stand still
no attention required
preserved through time.
Still, with solitude
even so, for a hundred years

Us. You and Me.
Represents that sole single rose.
Paper cut,
scented with cheap perfume.





26-11-2013

Vague ideas and realizations - escapism at its peak

Three days, two nights.
Backpacks and pocket money - fresh out of a hefty payday.
That spur of the moment decision to indulge in escapade,
in attempts to chill and relax,
forget and just breathe out of life and reality.
It worked,
like magic and that manic gleam.
Ice cream and that wishful thinking
- hope it wouldn't end.
We spent days
thinking how to spend the day,
where to go,
where to eat,
and how should we spread our wings
fly with our delusions
and throw away the utter sense
that we had some place to go back to.


We've had to talk of course.
Portion and snippets before we retire.
Life,
Love,
Dreams,
and that funny moment
when we've cried because of the past.
We've had realizations.
I've had a glimpse of somebody's...
I couldn't stop thinking about...
All the while,
I kept myself busy.
This is it,
the mother of my controversies.
Fantasies which wouldn't come true.
And the hobby that died
along with heartfelt innocent feelings.
I  knew,
once I come back,
things would never be the same again.


My mind kept dwelling
to scenes and flashbacks.
The night before,
the nights before,
days of caffeinated drinks.
Soft whispers and little talks.
What I've held,
what I've given up,
what I've opened up.
Things to do,
things that could've been.
A lot of lies,
cover ups and a whole bunch of tears.
Memories that carve itself
through the concrete walls of my soul.
I started to think,
I've been dwelling on,
staring at the mess
- personification of my views,
whereas I could've focused more.
Open the windows,
let the dust fly free
and pick up the broken pieces one at  time.
I started to face
the reality that I was scared.
The things that happened
were the changes I could not accept.
I couldn't digest.
And the problem that
I never bothered to stare at the face.
I realized,
I couldn't move on
if I don't bump my head
in that wall of inhibition.


We've travelled far,
my journey to a soul search
never really started.
Until,
it was ending.
It dawned on me.
When things began to come
out of my hand.
When the things that I've planned,
schemed even,
didn't go smoothly.
Stop.
It's ending.
It ended.
And I woke,
arriving exactly to the scene
I escaped from
- time stood still
awaiting my return.





Excerpt:  https://www.facebook.com/notes/joan-martinez/vague-ideas-and-realizations-escapism-at-its-peak/464928663548682
Dated 09-December-2012

FOR ROBIN.... by Karen

I  won’t forget how expert you can complicate things

And words which you are spouting never stop

I knew your mind and train of ideas don’t drop

Just want to tell you that this is why I adore yer uniqueness

And the thrill and joy it brings

Your laugh sometimes irritates my ears

I wonder how you can do that

When you always cry for something I also don’t comprehend

Until you let yourself indulged

With the magic of getting something from nothing

That it’s just the heart which can ever see

I had fun travelling with you

Thanks for showing me these other worlds I never knew exist

To these people I never knew can be that cool

Sad I can only find them inside your laptop

Crazy thou but feels like they are all true

Hold yer head up high

And sometimes soak with the power of sorrow

We both knew that’s when we become more human

I will long for late hours shits

And tell me when you find someone who will die for yer smile

https://www.facebook.com/notes/karen-espiritu-dela-cruz/for-robin/667928503231160

Observations on a confused soul.

I call you an angel
dropped within a mirage
blunt knives
coated in bread and honey
You are light
sunshine on desserts
and a flower easily picked.

In the inter-looping times
in intermittent instances
You proved me wrong
when I thought
You are a warrior
winning on a battle
without any suit.

You are a closed door
who fights without a brawl
creeping needles
instead of swords
You rush without an armor
expert at the magic of deceit.
i'd call you a succubus
with a torn heart,
wishing for the world
to see you as a sun.




17-10-2013

For Karen

You claimed not to succumb
on trials that life brings
I am at awe at your belief
tarnished with experience
and the ideals that exist
were coated with rust.
You lived by the time
moving forward without
no second glance
taking trials as challenges
a wall enough to be conquered.

You cry at the simple things
I love you when you ride
the tides of my sorrow
not understanding
the depths of the emotion
yet yearning for a smile
which the contrary
often corrodes with torture
at its peak.

I wish you the fairy tales
that we used to shed
senseless tears
I wish you the world
who condemned our ways
May it be proven wrong
and our beliefs were
actually true.




17-10-2013

For the noodle (dated 26-10)

And these were the things I wanted to partake.

With words I knew would lay forgotten

If I'd see your smiling face:

Thank you for another life

You've been my salvation

to when I've sunked so low,

lost and out of touch

I've been a fickle-minded fool

who'd sink deep into the bitter abyss.

Thank you for the sweet words

You've made me feel

that I am beautiful as I am

though how others say

Your words corroded with lies

nor my own doubts that they are true

Your words are what I would hold

I would take heed, take heart

And pretend that it wasn't you

the one who constantly bring doubts in my heart.

Thank you for my whims

my often selfish acts

Your kind heart, cheating heart.

Thank you for the spur of the moment

Your melting gaze,

snippets of a kiss,

glimpses with your life.

Thank you for letting me stay

Thank you for staying

For small  words with big meanings

and the opportunity to think far and beyond.

I thank you for the tolerance,

for my unexpected madness, insanity acts

Thank you for the "I Love you", "I miss you,"

And "I'll always be here,"

I've felt it. Deep. In my heart.

I would treasure you.

I would treasure these moments

Your memories, Your love

with deep regret

of my unstable mind, tainted love

of my selfish desires.

I would hold on to what you've promised

I'd hold back from straying to you

I  would keep waiting

until Time sets me free

Because once I say goodbye

I'll say goodbye until you come by again.

I'm sorry for these passing days

for being your damsel in disgrace

I've always been in disgrace

confused with my head in the clouds

I'm still that fickle-minded fool

Who'd never think before she acts.

I'm sorry for the doubt

Your sweet words bring comfort

and threefold of insecurities

No matter what I say,

you were judged on what you are.

I'm sorry for the lies

I've hidden you within my own world

looking back into sweet remembrance

I think of you with such false hopes

Fooling myself, fooling others

I'm sorry - because I knew you'd let me be

with the people who'd became

the closest thing I've ever had.

I'm sorry for the times

I've never thought of what you want

You are a kind-hearted soul with a broken heart

And though I see it, I did not mind

I'm sorry for the selfishness

of fearing the loss, of losing you.

I'd admit that I am weak,

I'd admit to my loneliness

I'd admit to my pride - of being proven wrong

despite the facts laid down on me.

I'm sorry for the sadness

I'm sorry for being  weak,

my expectations, and my assumptions.

I assumed that you are true

Even if I'd discover the contrary.

I'd seen you smile,

I was hoping it was not a lie.

You lie for other's sake

you do things not because you willed

You are a living contradiction

You are a child with a straight face

I love you

And I don't want to respond

when you vocalize your affections

I love you

I don't  need to respond

when you say you love me

I love you

When I hear you say the words

I long to kiss you

I love you

And I would always yearn to see you.

I love you

Your kindness is killing me.

Show me how you don't care

Show me a man, not a child

Show me your life with no deep regret

Because I can never show

that I could care more than this

I love you

But I want to stand by

independent by your embrace

I don't want to benefit more

I don't want to be cared when you can't

I love you

And I don't want to be loved by your kindness.

Nor your ideals, your charity.

I am who I am.

I don't want the 'help' that comes with a mirror.

I love you so much.

That I want to be your special place.

From my Noodle

you to me? someone that i would never want gone..ur that small drop of black ink on my piece of paper that everybody hated but to me added color to my picture..ur that flat noise that every musicians hate but to me adds flavor to my melody..ur THAT to me

To my noodle (6)

Persistence is the only thing that keeps me intact.

Might it be that I know things,
I could understand things,
I would understand more than I could handle. But my acceptance is a bit slow.
I tend to hold on to something when I see a glimmer of hope.
Its not about the number of missed calls I could procure when I am insistent.
Its not about being blind and fighting for something that would lead no where.
Its about taking the benefit of the doubt and fighting for my belief.
It was all about pride and the fear of utter disappointments that made me fight.
Its the stubborn sense that I would be proven wrong.
Its about persistently holding into a grim belief
- fighting for a pride and the fact that anyone could be proven wrong.

Persistence is my strong point.

I would believe in with a benefit of the doubt even if reality bites me in the neck.
I would believe in the people who I just met with pure naivety that there is no right or wrong.
Evil is something that society dictates.

Persistence is my stupidity.

I know I am an escape route.
And the belief that I was holding on was merely a cover to hide my intentions.
I want to find a person who would unearth the one I wasn't even trying to hide.

You, don't even understand what I am implying about.

Persistence is a war for living.
I am desperate enough to live and be valued.
And I would show you that I would stand by,
I would not be the one to leave,
no matter how many people would leave me.

To my noodle (5)

I'm sending this because I know that you're not there.
I'm texting you because you can't reply.
I'm going out with you even if I know that we're getting nowhere.
And I'm doing this because I'm mad at myself - I could never be mad at you or anyone else because after the shock of all things - I will think it was me. I still do.
Let me paraphrase: I'm sending you this because I know my resolve would disappear when I see you.

I'm scared of the things that I might find out about you. I'm scared to ask what you think of us. I'm scared that there will be a time that we'll part.
Then I realized, my fears were not for 'us', its for me.
I'm scared that people would be disappointed in me. I'm scared to the belief that I am wrong.
My deepest fear - is the proof that what I did was wrong.

Ironic.
I know what I am doing is wrong.
I've hated the word wrong - because whoever dictates that word and defines it is the society that we are living in.
Wrong is when people proved that you are. Wrong is when everybody puts you down. They are telling me this is wrong - and on that moment I thought I was. And the moment I stepped into a zone where you belong, the wrongness of things disappears. Because I feel that we enter into a world where nobody matters and there was only you and me.

The aftermath of entering that zone is leaving me in deep shit.
I reap what I sow - I finally understood that whenever I leave the comfort of 'us' - that was an entirety of time outside a couple of hours in 2-3 days.
I do not want my world to revolve around you but that was happening.
I cannot cope with the pieces of broken relationships outside 'our' circle. Yes, I did that. And now, when I wanted to be with someone, I thought of you and you're never going to be there. You will never be someone who I was looking for my entire life. I told you I don't believe in forever and I know these things would never last. I know that yet my mindset had been for forever - might that be the reason why I am like this. I let my life revolve around... things. I overdo things. I over-think things. And I anticipate in ways that I stopped talking when you make me realize that I am wrong. Yes, this is my insecurities talking. And I know that you have a re-bottle with that because you always do.

I admitted to myself at one point that you were the one who could understand me - because you disclosed observations that I wanted people to notice. People need attention and the attention that you provided me is what I initially wanted in a person to see in me. Maybe that's why I am an open book... no, a comic book. It is in my pride that you would think that I am easy to read. Because I let you. Because that was who I am. But when I indulge with the company of your crowd, I had a thought: You never really understood me. Not the me that I was trying to let out and the me who was trying to get out. Because the only thing I wanted was for someone real. Real in a sense that I would not have any inhibitions that this person is lying to me. Real in a sense that you could openly say what you wanted without thinking about what I feel. That's the reason why I constantly tell you to tell me if you would leave. I am waiting for you to tell me that.

I am someone literal. I'd say I am fickle minded. The situation is a mess and the environment is a mess. I am already a mess and I have a tendency to think ahead before things actually happen without realizing what I did until it happens. I tend to go with the flow and let loose, I tend to take things for granted. I know you know, you would understand. And if I told you that I have a serious identity crisis because I was trying to blend with the crowd and try to do things their way. Sometimes I do things with how they do it. You are already one step ahead of me. And I am writing this with the belief that you already know that I am going to say these things and ask "What are you going to do about it?"

It sucks to know things, to anticipate and then was proven right. That's how I see you.
I always wanted to ask: Does it ever feel lonely that way? Wont you break with thinking others before yourself? Who are you a midst the crowd?

What am I going to do about it? I'd still do what I do: Have moments of insanity, text you when you say don't, shoot you emails of nonsense, see you whenever I can, go with the flow, turn off my phone when I feel spite towards myself, wanting to cry when I cant, greet you at midnight on occasions, be told that I am stupid. Then I won't care what you think about this email.
I saw the things that were important to me slowly slipping away from my grasp, I saw that I was letting go of irreplaceable things right before my eyes. And I saw, every possibility of losing you. You don't want the nightmare of losing me? I was within that nightmare every-time we part.

The things that I am spouting are contradictions. I can never make up my mind because I am easily influenced with everything going around me. But these are the things that I thought of when I am alone. I say I like you but could never admit that I love you. It comes in me in spurs of the moment. And there were a lot of times that I already thought that I love you.
In times that you tell me that you do, in times that I would look at you straight in your face, in times that people tell me that I am stupid, in times I read your email, in times that I read you text messages. Through that moment when you were wild with your friends.
That's when I say thank you. Thank you for showing me another face of his life.

I know I don't make sense. Maybe. But I'm telling you, I am writing this as I think.
I get mad at you mostly because you don't think about yourself. And that was the lesson that you are teaching me.
I would still want to do what we normally do. And after this long passage of mixed up, fucked up emotions and sentiments.
I'd throw your question back at you: What are you going to do about it?

Sleep

Death state
the inconceivable state
between dreaming and waking up
transition to close
the air that would hung about
is somewhat stiff and dreary.

They say that to sleep
is to take a rest
They say that sleep is when
your mind is at ease
sanctuary for the tired
To sleep is to rest
to recharge or take a plunge deep
into the heavenly abyss.

To sleep is something like
an intake of aphrodisiac
wherein the feeling is pure bliss
and innocence may seem
like an old age poem.
To sleep is something
to murder your least favorite people and not get reprimanded
for your actions.
To sleep is to scorn,
to make haste, to do things slow
and to take suicide over and over
and not have to suffer the actual death.
To sleep
is something that twist reality
into something obscene,
something like a sort of fantasy.
And a slap in the face in times
that you needed to wake.

To my noodle (4)

You'll be there tomorrow.
When I won't.
I would have come by,
just to read some silly old reply.
This is how we get by.
This how we live,
I am lying in my bed
waiting for sleep to come.
It would succumb
after the nightmare would just pass by.

You'll be there tomorrow,
When we are hiding
amongst the shadow of discreet.
A handful knows how
we come in contact to.
And that handful can never tell
what happened between the two of us.

You're there tomorrow,
living your life.
While I sit here waiting for the time to come,
when it would be time for us to meet,
when it would be time for us to part,
This is sick.
All I ever did was to wait for your lies.

To my noodle (3)

You were a happy soul
from before we came in contact.
I can't help but blame myself.
I should stop.
What we had is something special.
Would always be.
And that would never change.

I love you.
Yet it doesn't hurt
'cause I know,
You would be there when I call.
I love you
It doesn't hurt
so much from my past experiences.
I love you
but this is wrong, we are wrong.
And the situation bothers me,
more than loving you does.

This is me.
Prior to any beginning.
I'm sorry,
I've felt like I've used you.
Thank you.
The life lessons that you taught me
was enough to cover
the lifetime I've had.
With you, there was thrill
and I've been able to experience
a whole amount of love,
a whole amount of care,
an open environment where I could be me,
I could express myself fully.
Thank you.
- for this situation.
- for making me realize,
How I could be happy without a man.
You made me feel alive
not through the pain
but with the thinking
that I am blessed with a life
which I had taken for granted.

This may have been love.
I can't stand to wait and see.
Though, I still get the feeling
that I want to run to your back
I have to stop.
We have to stop.
Before we get into this lot of complications
that may end hurting a lot of people.
- You, who claimed not to be.
- Me, who refuses to believe it until it happens.
- and the mother of your child,
who has a lot of things to do with it.
It may have been that I fell out of love.
I love you, that would remain
to the point that my stomach hurts.
I am happy
to hear you say I love you back
but this had been too much
and we're going with the flow.

I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of feeling numb.
I'm tired of being told I'm wrong.
And I'm scared to admit
'cause I know you'll let me go when I did.
I may cry, a lot, for now.
And for the upcoming times.
You may feel guilt.
But this is for the both of us.





20-06-2013

To my noodle (2)

I don't wish to partake
in something I had to share
Had it been somebody else
I would have left without a trace.

Why you?
Why the complications?
Why risk being hurt for an unquenched desire
to be liked and loved in return?
Truth be told, I haven't a clue.
Truth be told, I knew recklessness.
And this,
is mingled with stupidity.

It happened too fast.
It happened without a thought.
Alcohol is in my veins
- I could never believe that it could be venom
influencing the mind.
Alcohol is adrenaline.
the rush that corrupts the brain.
The all too stupid facts
threw itself like oil spill
- fast, immersible, and hugely impacting.

It wasn't fast
I was in a rush.
My dignity, is something I couldn't preserve
I don't care.
My darkness is spreading.
I won't care.
My life is already chaotic
- adding a bit of complications
makes a living out of hell.






13-6-2013

Anna Kendrick - my attempt on pencil sketch

-nuff said.

To my noodle.

Are we a bit fast?
I'm just a bit scared
because I trust people too much.

Are we a bit fast?
You came into my life
when things are in haze,
when I've broken down
infinitely many times
over the one I could
waste my life away.

Are we a bit fast?
when you said that you liked me,
there was an emotion
that stirs
akin to that of love.
I was interested,
to someone who I thought
would be there for me.

Are we a bit fast?
the answer that lies
that I could not acknowledge
Have I deprived you of emotions?
Is my assumption concrete?
Have you gone on waiting
- this opportunity of knowing me?

This is not fast.
This is just.
If what I presumed is correct,
from the beginning of knowing you,
then I have been blinded
swooped against a love
that I knew from the start
doomed to never live.
This is the answer
I could not indulge
- my massive fear of being rejected.

I've lived a life trying to please
I've lived a life being left alone
with no lantern lit.
You came to my life
a huge ray of light.
When I have been
in a phase of self destruct.
This might be rebound,
This might be real.
Me, thirsty for signs that I exist
found my hope,
my signal to being sane.
I would not agree
on something I would not give
wholeheartedly.
The minute you admit to my presumptions
- you became a part of my life.

I could never understand
the gravity of your circumstances.
I could never imagine
the depth of your pain.
I could feel inhibitions
and I could tell a bit of confusion.
My assumption dictates,
You could not leave
the mess of your situation.
I know its plain torture
to choose when you feel you've had
no right to choose.
Correct my assumptions,
Pardon me at my conceit.
If you would ever ask
for me to fight for you,
If you could just confirm
what my conceited mind is screaming
that what you feel is love not lust.
Then I would,
despite the opposition my naivety brings.

Are we a bit fast?
I could never acknowledge
the fact that I knew that we weren't.
I was scared. I still am
because if I let it, without any assurance
then I would break without fail.
Because if I let myself fall
I would fall to the point
of your suffocation.
Until I learn, not to depend on you
I would act in a similar sense to obsession.
If you would never realized
based on observation
If you would want this serious facade.
I'm telling you to leave.
I would never settle
for something short-lived.
I trust you.
And all I could return,
in case you break it
is a guilt that you'd leave me - in a broken mess.

I'm writing the things
I could not tell to your face.
You would listen.
You might not care
I went against the common belief
that you don't deserve this sort of naivety.
These were the things
you left as an impression,
things I would want you to consider.
You asked the reason for my previous stupidity
- it was because
I thought I could trust
a person without ill intentions.
I was on a rush to find someone who cares.

I don't believe
in the bullshit called friends
when you've laid your cards
with malicious intentions,
If you can't perceive
through my passage of thoughts
I am not a girl who would sleep with you
without heartfelt desires.
I know, this sounds as a warning bell
- if you get close to that extent
then stick to what you'll decide.
If you're going to proceed
then I'm not letting go.
This is me - with a serious
overwhelming desire to be loved in return.

My point being,
in these words of going around.
I don't want you to leave
with me hanging through your heels.
I could admit that there will be pain,
in case you do
once I've laid my own cards
I thought I was an open book
Prove me wrong,
when you've read through these njotes.
Are we a bit fast?
Is a question not aimed at you.
Its me. Its mine.
Am I a bit fast?
Caught with just a few conversations.
We've started in this intensity,
that my stomach churned, painfully,
whenever you're near.

I'm take my chances
I'm going for the risk.
I want to end it fast
because if I prolong it,
I might not endure the pain.
I do not know you enough
to trust my life in you
but from the minute you opened up - I did.

I want you to stop
if you have no firm resolve
this is a bit fast,
but I cannot go through
another broken down phase.
Hurting the people trying to understand
the darkness in my world.
Over a week of fast-paced conversations,
I could admit to myself
that if you proceed beyond that bullshit called friendship
explain and assure
that you would stand by my side,
I would be blind and wait. And lose myself.
I would fight for you,
and in turn, open up to the possibility
that I could love someone like you.

Call me a bit selfish.
Hell of a lot selfish.
I could throw the same shit to your face
- my sadistic desire to know what you really feel.
i do not think of happily ever after.
I do not think that we could be forever.
I just don't want to proceed with the fact
that it was only me.
Don't say that I'm beautiful
in a way to make me feel special.
Don't act as if you treat me different
- this is my insecurity talking.
Don't show me things that could induce hope.
As early as now,
Please tell me if this is just a joke.
I'l be content,
Please just tell me if you are not sure.
I would not wait.
Though, I would stay.
Then let's leave it at that.