To my noodle (5)

I'm sending this because I know that you're not there.
I'm texting you because you can't reply.
I'm going out with you even if I know that we're getting nowhere.
And I'm doing this because I'm mad at myself - I could never be mad at you or anyone else because after the shock of all things - I will think it was me. I still do.
Let me paraphrase: I'm sending you this because I know my resolve would disappear when I see you.

I'm scared of the things that I might find out about you. I'm scared to ask what you think of us. I'm scared that there will be a time that we'll part.
Then I realized, my fears were not for 'us', its for me.
I'm scared that people would be disappointed in me. I'm scared to the belief that I am wrong.
My deepest fear - is the proof that what I did was wrong.

Ironic.
I know what I am doing is wrong.
I've hated the word wrong - because whoever dictates that word and defines it is the society that we are living in.
Wrong is when people proved that you are. Wrong is when everybody puts you down. They are telling me this is wrong - and on that moment I thought I was. And the moment I stepped into a zone where you belong, the wrongness of things disappears. Because I feel that we enter into a world where nobody matters and there was only you and me.

The aftermath of entering that zone is leaving me in deep shit.
I reap what I sow - I finally understood that whenever I leave the comfort of 'us' - that was an entirety of time outside a couple of hours in 2-3 days.
I do not want my world to revolve around you but that was happening.
I cannot cope with the pieces of broken relationships outside 'our' circle. Yes, I did that. And now, when I wanted to be with someone, I thought of you and you're never going to be there. You will never be someone who I was looking for my entire life. I told you I don't believe in forever and I know these things would never last. I know that yet my mindset had been for forever - might that be the reason why I am like this. I let my life revolve around... things. I overdo things. I over-think things. And I anticipate in ways that I stopped talking when you make me realize that I am wrong. Yes, this is my insecurities talking. And I know that you have a re-bottle with that because you always do.

I admitted to myself at one point that you were the one who could understand me - because you disclosed observations that I wanted people to notice. People need attention and the attention that you provided me is what I initially wanted in a person to see in me. Maybe that's why I am an open book... no, a comic book. It is in my pride that you would think that I am easy to read. Because I let you. Because that was who I am. But when I indulge with the company of your crowd, I had a thought: You never really understood me. Not the me that I was trying to let out and the me who was trying to get out. Because the only thing I wanted was for someone real. Real in a sense that I would not have any inhibitions that this person is lying to me. Real in a sense that you could openly say what you wanted without thinking about what I feel. That's the reason why I constantly tell you to tell me if you would leave. I am waiting for you to tell me that.

I am someone literal. I'd say I am fickle minded. The situation is a mess and the environment is a mess. I am already a mess and I have a tendency to think ahead before things actually happen without realizing what I did until it happens. I tend to go with the flow and let loose, I tend to take things for granted. I know you know, you would understand. And if I told you that I have a serious identity crisis because I was trying to blend with the crowd and try to do things their way. Sometimes I do things with how they do it. You are already one step ahead of me. And I am writing this with the belief that you already know that I am going to say these things and ask "What are you going to do about it?"

It sucks to know things, to anticipate and then was proven right. That's how I see you.
I always wanted to ask: Does it ever feel lonely that way? Wont you break with thinking others before yourself? Who are you a midst the crowd?

What am I going to do about it? I'd still do what I do: Have moments of insanity, text you when you say don't, shoot you emails of nonsense, see you whenever I can, go with the flow, turn off my phone when I feel spite towards myself, wanting to cry when I cant, greet you at midnight on occasions, be told that I am stupid. Then I won't care what you think about this email.
I saw the things that were important to me slowly slipping away from my grasp, I saw that I was letting go of irreplaceable things right before my eyes. And I saw, every possibility of losing you. You don't want the nightmare of losing me? I was within that nightmare every-time we part.

The things that I am spouting are contradictions. I can never make up my mind because I am easily influenced with everything going around me. But these are the things that I thought of when I am alone. I say I like you but could never admit that I love you. It comes in me in spurs of the moment. And there were a lot of times that I already thought that I love you.
In times that you tell me that you do, in times that I would look at you straight in your face, in times that people tell me that I am stupid, in times I read your email, in times that I read you text messages. Through that moment when you were wild with your friends.
That's when I say thank you. Thank you for showing me another face of his life.

I know I don't make sense. Maybe. But I'm telling you, I am writing this as I think.
I get mad at you mostly because you don't think about yourself. And that was the lesson that you are teaching me.
I would still want to do what we normally do. And after this long passage of mixed up, fucked up emotions and sentiments.
I'd throw your question back at you: What are you going to do about it?