you to me? someone that i would never want gone..ur that small drop of black ink on my piece of paper that everybody hated but to me added color to my picture..ur that flat noise that every musicians hate but to me adds flavor to my melody..ur THAT to me
Thursday, July 18, 2013
From my Noodle
Monday, July 8, 2013
To my noodle (6)
Persistence is the only thing that keeps me intact.
Might it be that I know things,
I could understand things,
I would understand more than I could handle. But my acceptance is a bit slow.
I tend to hold on to something when I see a glimmer of hope.
Its not about the number of missed calls I could procure when I am insistent.
Its not about being blind and fighting for something that would lead no where.
Its about taking the benefit of the doubt and fighting for my belief.
It was all about pride and the fear of utter disappointments that made me fight.
Its the stubborn sense that I would be proven wrong.
Its about persistently holding into a grim belief
- fighting for a pride and the fact that anyone could be proven wrong.
Persistence is my strong point.
I would believe in with a benefit of the doubt even if reality bites me in the neck.
I would believe in the people who I just met with pure naivety that there is no right or wrong.
Evil is something that society dictates.
Persistence is my stupidity.
I know I am an escape route.
And the belief that I was holding on was merely a cover to hide my intentions.
I want to find a person who would unearth the one I wasn't even trying to hide.
You, don't even understand what I am implying about.
Persistence is a war for living.
I am desperate enough to live and be valued.
And I would show you that I would stand by,
I would not be the one to leave,
no matter how many people would leave me.
Might it be that I know things,
I could understand things,
I would understand more than I could handle. But my acceptance is a bit slow.
I tend to hold on to something when I see a glimmer of hope.
Its not about the number of missed calls I could procure when I am insistent.
Its not about being blind and fighting for something that would lead no where.
Its about taking the benefit of the doubt and fighting for my belief.
It was all about pride and the fear of utter disappointments that made me fight.
Its the stubborn sense that I would be proven wrong.
Its about persistently holding into a grim belief
- fighting for a pride and the fact that anyone could be proven wrong.
Persistence is my strong point.
I would believe in with a benefit of the doubt even if reality bites me in the neck.
I would believe in the people who I just met with pure naivety that there is no right or wrong.
Evil is something that society dictates.
Persistence is my stupidity.
I know I am an escape route.
And the belief that I was holding on was merely a cover to hide my intentions.
I want to find a person who would unearth the one I wasn't even trying to hide.
You, don't even understand what I am implying about.
Persistence is a war for living.
I am desperate enough to live and be valued.
And I would show you that I would stand by,
I would not be the one to leave,
no matter how many people would leave me.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
To my noodle (5)
I'm sending this because I know that you're not there.
I'm texting you because you can't reply.
I'm going out with you even if I know that we're getting nowhere.
And I'm doing this because I'm mad at myself - I could never be mad at you or anyone else because after the shock of all things - I will think it was me. I still do.
Let me paraphrase: I'm sending you this because I know my resolve would disappear when I see you.
I'm scared of the things that I might find out about you. I'm scared to ask what you think of us. I'm scared that there will be a time that we'll part.
Then I realized, my fears were not for 'us', its for me.
I'm scared that people would be disappointed in me. I'm scared to the belief that I am wrong.
My deepest fear - is the proof that what I did was wrong.
Ironic.
I know what I am doing is wrong.
I've hated the word wrong - because whoever dictates that word and defines it is the society that we are living in.
Wrong is when people proved that you are. Wrong is when everybody puts you down. They are telling me this is wrong - and on that moment I thought I was. And the moment I stepped into a zone where you belong, the wrongness of things disappears. Because I feel that we enter into a world where nobody matters and there was only you and me.
The aftermath of entering that zone is leaving me in deep shit.
I reap what I sow - I finally understood that whenever I leave the comfort of 'us' - that was an entirety of time outside a couple of hours in 2-3 days.
I do not want my world to revolve around you but that was happening.
I cannot cope with the pieces of broken relationships outside 'our' circle. Yes, I did that. And now, when I wanted to be with someone, I thought of you and you're never going to be there. You will never be someone who I was looking for my entire life. I told you I don't believe in forever and I know these things would never last. I know that yet my mindset had been for forever - might that be the reason why I am like this. I let my life revolve around... things. I overdo things. I over-think things. And I anticipate in ways that I stopped talking when you make me realize that I am wrong. Yes, this is my insecurities talking. And I know that you have a re-bottle with that because you always do.
I admitted to myself at one point that you were the one who could understand me - because you disclosed observations that I wanted people to notice. People need attention and the attention that you provided me is what I initially wanted in a person to see in me. Maybe that's why I am an open book... no, a comic book. It is in my pride that you would think that I am easy to read. Because I let you. Because that was who I am. But when I indulge with the company of your crowd, I had a thought: You never really understood me. Not the me that I was trying to let out and the me who was trying to get out. Because the only thing I wanted was for someone real. Real in a sense that I would not have any inhibitions that this person is lying to me. Real in a sense that you could openly say what you wanted without thinking about what I feel. That's the reason why I constantly tell you to tell me if you would leave. I am waiting for you to tell me that.
I am someone literal. I'd say I am fickle minded. The situation is a mess and the environment is a mess. I am already a mess and I have a tendency to think ahead before things actually happen without realizing what I did until it happens. I tend to go with the flow and let loose, I tend to take things for granted. I know you know, you would understand. And if I told you that I have a serious identity crisis because I was trying to blend with the crowd and try to do things their way. Sometimes I do things with how they do it. You are already one step ahead of me. And I am writing this with the belief that you already know that I am going to say these things and ask "What are you going to do about it?"
It sucks to know things, to anticipate and then was proven right. That's how I see you.
I always wanted to ask: Does it ever feel lonely that way? Wont you break with thinking others before yourself? Who are you a midst the crowd?
What am I going to do about it? I'd still do what I do: Have moments of insanity, text you when you say don't, shoot you emails of nonsense, see you whenever I can, go with the flow, turn off my phone when I feel spite towards myself, wanting to cry when I cant, greet you at midnight on occasions, be told that I am stupid. Then I won't care what you think about this email.
I saw the things that were important to me slowly slipping away from my grasp, I saw that I was letting go of irreplaceable things right before my eyes. And I saw, every possibility of losing you. You don't want the nightmare of losing me? I was within that nightmare every-time we part.
The things that I am spouting are contradictions. I can never make up my mind because I am easily influenced with everything going around me. But these are the things that I thought of when I am alone. I say I like you but could never admit that I love you. It comes in me in spurs of the moment. And there were a lot of times that I already thought that I love you.
In times that you tell me that you do, in times that I would look at you straight in your face, in times that people tell me that I am stupid, in times I read your email, in times that I read you text messages. Through that moment when you were wild with your friends.
That's when I say thank you. Thank you for showing me another face of his life.
I know I don't make sense. Maybe. But I'm telling you, I am writing this as I think.
I get mad at you mostly because you don't think about yourself. And that was the lesson that you are teaching me.
I would still want to do what we normally do. And after this long passage of mixed up, fucked up emotions and sentiments.
I'd throw your question back at you: What are you going to do about it?
I'm texting you because you can't reply.
I'm going out with you even if I know that we're getting nowhere.
And I'm doing this because I'm mad at myself - I could never be mad at you or anyone else because after the shock of all things - I will think it was me. I still do.
Let me paraphrase: I'm sending you this because I know my resolve would disappear when I see you.
I'm scared of the things that I might find out about you. I'm scared to ask what you think of us. I'm scared that there will be a time that we'll part.
Then I realized, my fears were not for 'us', its for me.
I'm scared that people would be disappointed in me. I'm scared to the belief that I am wrong.
My deepest fear - is the proof that what I did was wrong.
Ironic.
I know what I am doing is wrong.
I've hated the word wrong - because whoever dictates that word and defines it is the society that we are living in.
Wrong is when people proved that you are. Wrong is when everybody puts you down. They are telling me this is wrong - and on that moment I thought I was. And the moment I stepped into a zone where you belong, the wrongness of things disappears. Because I feel that we enter into a world where nobody matters and there was only you and me.
The aftermath of entering that zone is leaving me in deep shit.
I reap what I sow - I finally understood that whenever I leave the comfort of 'us' - that was an entirety of time outside a couple of hours in 2-3 days.
I do not want my world to revolve around you but that was happening.
I cannot cope with the pieces of broken relationships outside 'our' circle. Yes, I did that. And now, when I wanted to be with someone, I thought of you and you're never going to be there. You will never be someone who I was looking for my entire life. I told you I don't believe in forever and I know these things would never last. I know that yet my mindset had been for forever - might that be the reason why I am like this. I let my life revolve around... things. I overdo things. I over-think things. And I anticipate in ways that I stopped talking when you make me realize that I am wrong. Yes, this is my insecurities talking. And I know that you have a re-bottle with that because you always do.
I admitted to myself at one point that you were the one who could understand me - because you disclosed observations that I wanted people to notice. People need attention and the attention that you provided me is what I initially wanted in a person to see in me. Maybe that's why I am an open book... no, a comic book. It is in my pride that you would think that I am easy to read. Because I let you. Because that was who I am. But when I indulge with the company of your crowd, I had a thought: You never really understood me. Not the me that I was trying to let out and the me who was trying to get out. Because the only thing I wanted was for someone real. Real in a sense that I would not have any inhibitions that this person is lying to me. Real in a sense that you could openly say what you wanted without thinking about what I feel. That's the reason why I constantly tell you to tell me if you would leave. I am waiting for you to tell me that.
I am someone literal. I'd say I am fickle minded. The situation is a mess and the environment is a mess. I am already a mess and I have a tendency to think ahead before things actually happen without realizing what I did until it happens. I tend to go with the flow and let loose, I tend to take things for granted. I know you know, you would understand. And if I told you that I have a serious identity crisis because I was trying to blend with the crowd and try to do things their way. Sometimes I do things with how they do it. You are already one step ahead of me. And I am writing this with the belief that you already know that I am going to say these things and ask "What are you going to do about it?"
It sucks to know things, to anticipate and then was proven right. That's how I see you.
I always wanted to ask: Does it ever feel lonely that way? Wont you break with thinking others before yourself? Who are you a midst the crowd?
What am I going to do about it? I'd still do what I do: Have moments of insanity, text you when you say don't, shoot you emails of nonsense, see you whenever I can, go with the flow, turn off my phone when I feel spite towards myself, wanting to cry when I cant, greet you at midnight on occasions, be told that I am stupid. Then I won't care what you think about this email.
I saw the things that were important to me slowly slipping away from my grasp, I saw that I was letting go of irreplaceable things right before my eyes. And I saw, every possibility of losing you. You don't want the nightmare of losing me? I was within that nightmare every-time we part.
The things that I am spouting are contradictions. I can never make up my mind because I am easily influenced with everything going around me. But these are the things that I thought of when I am alone. I say I like you but could never admit that I love you. It comes in me in spurs of the moment. And there were a lot of times that I already thought that I love you.
In times that you tell me that you do, in times that I would look at you straight in your face, in times that people tell me that I am stupid, in times I read your email, in times that I read you text messages. Through that moment when you were wild with your friends.
That's when I say thank you. Thank you for showing me another face of his life.
I know I don't make sense. Maybe. But I'm telling you, I am writing this as I think.
I get mad at you mostly because you don't think about yourself. And that was the lesson that you are teaching me.
I would still want to do what we normally do. And after this long passage of mixed up, fucked up emotions and sentiments.
I'd throw your question back at you: What are you going to do about it?
Sleep
Death state
the inconceivable state
between dreaming and waking up
transition to close
the air that would hung about
is somewhat stiff and dreary.
They say that to sleep
is to take a rest
They say that sleep is when
your mind is at ease
sanctuary for the tired
To sleep is to rest
to recharge or take a plunge deep
into the heavenly abyss.
To sleep is something like
an intake of aphrodisiac
wherein the feeling is pure bliss
and innocence may seem
like an old age poem.
To sleep is something
to murder your least favorite people and not get reprimanded
for your actions.
To sleep is to scorn,
to make haste, to do things slow
and to take suicide over and over
and not have to suffer the actual death.
To sleep
is something that twist reality
into something obscene,
something like a sort of fantasy.
And a slap in the face in times
that you needed to wake.
the inconceivable state
between dreaming and waking up
transition to close
the air that would hung about
is somewhat stiff and dreary.
They say that to sleep
is to take a rest
They say that sleep is when
your mind is at ease
sanctuary for the tired
To sleep is to rest
to recharge or take a plunge deep
into the heavenly abyss.
To sleep is something like
an intake of aphrodisiac
wherein the feeling is pure bliss
and innocence may seem
like an old age poem.
To sleep is something
to murder your least favorite people and not get reprimanded
for your actions.
To sleep is to scorn,
to make haste, to do things slow
and to take suicide over and over
and not have to suffer the actual death.
To sleep
is something that twist reality
into something obscene,
something like a sort of fantasy.
And a slap in the face in times
that you needed to wake.
Friday, June 21, 2013
To my noodle (4)
You'll be there tomorrow.
When I won't.
I would have come by,
just to read some silly old reply.
This is how we get by.
This how we live,
I am lying in my bed
waiting for sleep to come.
It would succumb
after the nightmare would just pass by.
You'll be there tomorrow,
When we are hiding
amongst the shadow of discreet.
A handful knows how
we come in contact to.
And that handful can never tell
what happened between the two of us.
You're there tomorrow,
living your life.
While I sit here waiting for the time to come,
when it would be time for us to meet,
when it would be time for us to part,
This is sick.
All I ever did was to wait for your lies.
When I won't.
I would have come by,
just to read some silly old reply.
This is how we get by.
This how we live,
I am lying in my bed
waiting for sleep to come.
It would succumb
after the nightmare would just pass by.
You'll be there tomorrow,
When we are hiding
amongst the shadow of discreet.
A handful knows how
we come in contact to.
And that handful can never tell
what happened between the two of us.
You're there tomorrow,
living your life.
While I sit here waiting for the time to come,
when it would be time for us to meet,
when it would be time for us to part,
This is sick.
All I ever did was to wait for your lies.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
To my noodle (3)
You were a happy soul
from before we came in contact.
I can't help but blame myself.
I should stop.
What we had is something special.
Would always be.
And that would never change.
I love you.
Yet it doesn't hurt
'cause I know,
You would be there when I call.
I love you
It doesn't hurt
so much from my past experiences.
I love you
but this is wrong, we are wrong.
And the situation bothers me,
more than loving you does.
This is me.
Prior to any beginning.
I'm sorry,
I've felt like I've used you.
Thank you.
The life lessons that you taught me
was enough to cover
the lifetime I've had.
With you, there was thrill
and I've been able to experience
a whole amount of love,
a whole amount of care,
an open environment where I could be me,
I could express myself fully.
Thank you.
- for this situation.
- for making me realize,
How I could be happy without a man.
You made me feel alive
not through the pain
but with the thinking
that I am blessed with a life
which I had taken for granted.
This may have been love.
I can't stand to wait and see.
Though, I still get the feeling
that I want to run to your back
I have to stop.
We have to stop.
Before we get into this lot of complications
that may end hurting a lot of people.
- You, who claimed not to be.
- Me, who refuses to believe it until it happens.
- and the mother of your child,
who has a lot of things to do with it.
It may have been that I fell out of love.
I love you, that would remain
to the point that my stomach hurts.
I am happy
to hear you say I love you back
but this had been too much
and we're going with the flow.
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of feeling numb.
I'm tired of being told I'm wrong.
And I'm scared to admit
'cause I know you'll let me go when I did.
I may cry, a lot, for now.
And for the upcoming times.
You may feel guilt.
But this is for the both of us.
20-06-2013
from before we came in contact.
I can't help but blame myself.
I should stop.
What we had is something special.
Would always be.
And that would never change.
I love you.
Yet it doesn't hurt
'cause I know,
You would be there when I call.
I love you
It doesn't hurt
so much from my past experiences.
I love you
but this is wrong, we are wrong.
And the situation bothers me,
more than loving you does.
This is me.
Prior to any beginning.
I'm sorry,
I've felt like I've used you.
Thank you.
The life lessons that you taught me
was enough to cover
the lifetime I've had.
With you, there was thrill
and I've been able to experience
a whole amount of love,
a whole amount of care,
an open environment where I could be me,
I could express myself fully.
Thank you.
- for this situation.
- for making me realize,
How I could be happy without a man.
You made me feel alive
not through the pain
but with the thinking
that I am blessed with a life
which I had taken for granted.
This may have been love.
I can't stand to wait and see.
Though, I still get the feeling
that I want to run to your back
I have to stop.
We have to stop.
Before we get into this lot of complications
that may end hurting a lot of people.
- You, who claimed not to be.
- Me, who refuses to believe it until it happens.
- and the mother of your child,
who has a lot of things to do with it.
It may have been that I fell out of love.
I love you, that would remain
to the point that my stomach hurts.
I am happy
to hear you say I love you back
but this had been too much
and we're going with the flow.
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of feeling numb.
I'm tired of being told I'm wrong.
And I'm scared to admit
'cause I know you'll let me go when I did.
I may cry, a lot, for now.
And for the upcoming times.
You may feel guilt.
But this is for the both of us.
20-06-2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
To my noodle (2)
I don't wish to partake
in something I had to share
Had it been somebody else
I would have left without a trace.
Why you?
Why the complications?
Why risk being hurt for an unquenched desire
to be liked and loved in return?
Truth be told, I haven't a clue.
Truth be told, I knew recklessness.
And this,
is mingled with stupidity.
It happened too fast.
It happened without a thought.
Alcohol is in my veins
- I could never believe that it could be venom
influencing the mind.
Alcohol is adrenaline.
the rush that corrupts the brain.
The all too stupid facts
threw itself like oil spill
- fast, immersible, and hugely impacting.
It wasn't fast
I was in a rush.
My dignity, is something I couldn't preserve
I don't care.
My darkness is spreading.
I won't care.
My life is already chaotic
- adding a bit of complications
makes a living out of hell.
13-6-2013
in something I had to share
Had it been somebody else
I would have left without a trace.
Why you?
Why the complications?
Why risk being hurt for an unquenched desire
to be liked and loved in return?
Truth be told, I haven't a clue.
Truth be told, I knew recklessness.
And this,
is mingled with stupidity.
It happened too fast.
It happened without a thought.
Alcohol is in my veins
- I could never believe that it could be venom
influencing the mind.
Alcohol is adrenaline.
the rush that corrupts the brain.
The all too stupid facts
threw itself like oil spill
- fast, immersible, and hugely impacting.
It wasn't fast
I was in a rush.
My dignity, is something I couldn't preserve
I don't care.
My darkness is spreading.
I won't care.
My life is already chaotic
- adding a bit of complications
makes a living out of hell.
13-6-2013
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