To my noodle (5)

I'm sending this because I know that you're not there.
I'm texting you because you can't reply.
I'm going out with you even if I know that we're getting nowhere.
And I'm doing this because I'm mad at myself - I could never be mad at you or anyone else because after the shock of all things - I will think it was me. I still do.
Let me paraphrase: I'm sending you this because I know my resolve would disappear when I see you.

I'm scared of the things that I might find out about you. I'm scared to ask what you think of us. I'm scared that there will be a time that we'll part.
Then I realized, my fears were not for 'us', its for me.
I'm scared that people would be disappointed in me. I'm scared to the belief that I am wrong.
My deepest fear - is the proof that what I did was wrong.

Ironic.
I know what I am doing is wrong.
I've hated the word wrong - because whoever dictates that word and defines it is the society that we are living in.
Wrong is when people proved that you are. Wrong is when everybody puts you down. They are telling me this is wrong - and on that moment I thought I was. And the moment I stepped into a zone where you belong, the wrongness of things disappears. Because I feel that we enter into a world where nobody matters and there was only you and me.

The aftermath of entering that zone is leaving me in deep shit.
I reap what I sow - I finally understood that whenever I leave the comfort of 'us' - that was an entirety of time outside a couple of hours in 2-3 days.
I do not want my world to revolve around you but that was happening.
I cannot cope with the pieces of broken relationships outside 'our' circle. Yes, I did that. And now, when I wanted to be with someone, I thought of you and you're never going to be there. You will never be someone who I was looking for my entire life. I told you I don't believe in forever and I know these things would never last. I know that yet my mindset had been for forever - might that be the reason why I am like this. I let my life revolve around... things. I overdo things. I over-think things. And I anticipate in ways that I stopped talking when you make me realize that I am wrong. Yes, this is my insecurities talking. And I know that you have a re-bottle with that because you always do.

I admitted to myself at one point that you were the one who could understand me - because you disclosed observations that I wanted people to notice. People need attention and the attention that you provided me is what I initially wanted in a person to see in me. Maybe that's why I am an open book... no, a comic book. It is in my pride that you would think that I am easy to read. Because I let you. Because that was who I am. But when I indulge with the company of your crowd, I had a thought: You never really understood me. Not the me that I was trying to let out and the me who was trying to get out. Because the only thing I wanted was for someone real. Real in a sense that I would not have any inhibitions that this person is lying to me. Real in a sense that you could openly say what you wanted without thinking about what I feel. That's the reason why I constantly tell you to tell me if you would leave. I am waiting for you to tell me that.

I am someone literal. I'd say I am fickle minded. The situation is a mess and the environment is a mess. I am already a mess and I have a tendency to think ahead before things actually happen without realizing what I did until it happens. I tend to go with the flow and let loose, I tend to take things for granted. I know you know, you would understand. And if I told you that I have a serious identity crisis because I was trying to blend with the crowd and try to do things their way. Sometimes I do things with how they do it. You are already one step ahead of me. And I am writing this with the belief that you already know that I am going to say these things and ask "What are you going to do about it?"

It sucks to know things, to anticipate and then was proven right. That's how I see you.
I always wanted to ask: Does it ever feel lonely that way? Wont you break with thinking others before yourself? Who are you a midst the crowd?

What am I going to do about it? I'd still do what I do: Have moments of insanity, text you when you say don't, shoot you emails of nonsense, see you whenever I can, go with the flow, turn off my phone when I feel spite towards myself, wanting to cry when I cant, greet you at midnight on occasions, be told that I am stupid. Then I won't care what you think about this email.
I saw the things that were important to me slowly slipping away from my grasp, I saw that I was letting go of irreplaceable things right before my eyes. And I saw, every possibility of losing you. You don't want the nightmare of losing me? I was within that nightmare every-time we part.

The things that I am spouting are contradictions. I can never make up my mind because I am easily influenced with everything going around me. But these are the things that I thought of when I am alone. I say I like you but could never admit that I love you. It comes in me in spurs of the moment. And there were a lot of times that I already thought that I love you.
In times that you tell me that you do, in times that I would look at you straight in your face, in times that people tell me that I am stupid, in times I read your email, in times that I read you text messages. Through that moment when you were wild with your friends.
That's when I say thank you. Thank you for showing me another face of his life.

I know I don't make sense. Maybe. But I'm telling you, I am writing this as I think.
I get mad at you mostly because you don't think about yourself. And that was the lesson that you are teaching me.
I would still want to do what we normally do. And after this long passage of mixed up, fucked up emotions and sentiments.
I'd throw your question back at you: What are you going to do about it?

Sleep

Death state
the inconceivable state
between dreaming and waking up
transition to close
the air that would hung about
is somewhat stiff and dreary.

They say that to sleep
is to take a rest
They say that sleep is when
your mind is at ease
sanctuary for the tired
To sleep is to rest
to recharge or take a plunge deep
into the heavenly abyss.

To sleep is something like
an intake of aphrodisiac
wherein the feeling is pure bliss
and innocence may seem
like an old age poem.
To sleep is something
to murder your least favorite people and not get reprimanded
for your actions.
To sleep is to scorn,
to make haste, to do things slow
and to take suicide over and over
and not have to suffer the actual death.
To sleep
is something that twist reality
into something obscene,
something like a sort of fantasy.
And a slap in the face in times
that you needed to wake.

To my noodle (4)

You'll be there tomorrow.
When I won't.
I would have come by,
just to read some silly old reply.
This is how we get by.
This how we live,
I am lying in my bed
waiting for sleep to come.
It would succumb
after the nightmare would just pass by.

You'll be there tomorrow,
When we are hiding
amongst the shadow of discreet.
A handful knows how
we come in contact to.
And that handful can never tell
what happened between the two of us.

You're there tomorrow,
living your life.
While I sit here waiting for the time to come,
when it would be time for us to meet,
when it would be time for us to part,
This is sick.
All I ever did was to wait for your lies.

To my noodle (3)

You were a happy soul
from before we came in contact.
I can't help but blame myself.
I should stop.
What we had is something special.
Would always be.
And that would never change.

I love you.
Yet it doesn't hurt
'cause I know,
You would be there when I call.
I love you
It doesn't hurt
so much from my past experiences.
I love you
but this is wrong, we are wrong.
And the situation bothers me,
more than loving you does.

This is me.
Prior to any beginning.
I'm sorry,
I've felt like I've used you.
Thank you.
The life lessons that you taught me
was enough to cover
the lifetime I've had.
With you, there was thrill
and I've been able to experience
a whole amount of love,
a whole amount of care,
an open environment where I could be me,
I could express myself fully.
Thank you.
- for this situation.
- for making me realize,
How I could be happy without a man.
You made me feel alive
not through the pain
but with the thinking
that I am blessed with a life
which I had taken for granted.

This may have been love.
I can't stand to wait and see.
Though, I still get the feeling
that I want to run to your back
I have to stop.
We have to stop.
Before we get into this lot of complications
that may end hurting a lot of people.
- You, who claimed not to be.
- Me, who refuses to believe it until it happens.
- and the mother of your child,
who has a lot of things to do with it.
It may have been that I fell out of love.
I love you, that would remain
to the point that my stomach hurts.
I am happy
to hear you say I love you back
but this had been too much
and we're going with the flow.

I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of feeling numb.
I'm tired of being told I'm wrong.
And I'm scared to admit
'cause I know you'll let me go when I did.
I may cry, a lot, for now.
And for the upcoming times.
You may feel guilt.
But this is for the both of us.





20-06-2013

To my noodle (2)

I don't wish to partake
in something I had to share
Had it been somebody else
I would have left without a trace.

Why you?
Why the complications?
Why risk being hurt for an unquenched desire
to be liked and loved in return?
Truth be told, I haven't a clue.
Truth be told, I knew recklessness.
And this,
is mingled with stupidity.

It happened too fast.
It happened without a thought.
Alcohol is in my veins
- I could never believe that it could be venom
influencing the mind.
Alcohol is adrenaline.
the rush that corrupts the brain.
The all too stupid facts
threw itself like oil spill
- fast, immersible, and hugely impacting.

It wasn't fast
I was in a rush.
My dignity, is something I couldn't preserve
I don't care.
My darkness is spreading.
I won't care.
My life is already chaotic
- adding a bit of complications
makes a living out of hell.






13-6-2013

Anna Kendrick - my attempt on pencil sketch

-nuff said.

To my noodle.

Are we a bit fast?
I'm just a bit scared
because I trust people too much.

Are we a bit fast?
You came into my life
when things are in haze,
when I've broken down
infinitely many times
over the one I could
waste my life away.

Are we a bit fast?
when you said that you liked me,
there was an emotion
that stirs
akin to that of love.
I was interested,
to someone who I thought
would be there for me.

Are we a bit fast?
the answer that lies
that I could not acknowledge
Have I deprived you of emotions?
Is my assumption concrete?
Have you gone on waiting
- this opportunity of knowing me?

This is not fast.
This is just.
If what I presumed is correct,
from the beginning of knowing you,
then I have been blinded
swooped against a love
that I knew from the start
doomed to never live.
This is the answer
I could not indulge
- my massive fear of being rejected.

I've lived a life trying to please
I've lived a life being left alone
with no lantern lit.
You came to my life
a huge ray of light.
When I have been
in a phase of self destruct.
This might be rebound,
This might be real.
Me, thirsty for signs that I exist
found my hope,
my signal to being sane.
I would not agree
on something I would not give
wholeheartedly.
The minute you admit to my presumptions
- you became a part of my life.

I could never understand
the gravity of your circumstances.
I could never imagine
the depth of your pain.
I could feel inhibitions
and I could tell a bit of confusion.
My assumption dictates,
You could not leave
the mess of your situation.
I know its plain torture
to choose when you feel you've had
no right to choose.
Correct my assumptions,
Pardon me at my conceit.
If you would ever ask
for me to fight for you,
If you could just confirm
what my conceited mind is screaming
that what you feel is love not lust.
Then I would,
despite the opposition my naivety brings.

Are we a bit fast?
I could never acknowledge
the fact that I knew that we weren't.
I was scared. I still am
because if I let it, without any assurance
then I would break without fail.
Because if I let myself fall
I would fall to the point
of your suffocation.
Until I learn, not to depend on you
I would act in a similar sense to obsession.
If you would never realized
based on observation
If you would want this serious facade.
I'm telling you to leave.
I would never settle
for something short-lived.
I trust you.
And all I could return,
in case you break it
is a guilt that you'd leave me - in a broken mess.

I'm writing the things
I could not tell to your face.
You would listen.
You might not care
I went against the common belief
that you don't deserve this sort of naivety.
These were the things
you left as an impression,
things I would want you to consider.
You asked the reason for my previous stupidity
- it was because
I thought I could trust
a person without ill intentions.
I was on a rush to find someone who cares.

I don't believe
in the bullshit called friends
when you've laid your cards
with malicious intentions,
If you can't perceive
through my passage of thoughts
I am not a girl who would sleep with you
without heartfelt desires.
I know, this sounds as a warning bell
- if you get close to that extent
then stick to what you'll decide.
If you're going to proceed
then I'm not letting go.
This is me - with a serious
overwhelming desire to be loved in return.

My point being,
in these words of going around.
I don't want you to leave
with me hanging through your heels.
I could admit that there will be pain,
in case you do
once I've laid my own cards
I thought I was an open book
Prove me wrong,
when you've read through these njotes.
Are we a bit fast?
Is a question not aimed at you.
Its me. Its mine.
Am I a bit fast?
Caught with just a few conversations.
We've started in this intensity,
that my stomach churned, painfully,
whenever you're near.

I'm take my chances
I'm going for the risk.
I want to end it fast
because if I prolong it,
I might not endure the pain.
I do not know you enough
to trust my life in you
but from the minute you opened up - I did.

I want you to stop
if you have no firm resolve
this is a bit fast,
but I cannot go through
another broken down phase.
Hurting the people trying to understand
the darkness in my world.
Over a week of fast-paced conversations,
I could admit to myself
that if you proceed beyond that bullshit called friendship
explain and assure
that you would stand by my side,
I would be blind and wait. And lose myself.
I would fight for you,
and in turn, open up to the possibility
that I could love someone like you.

Call me a bit selfish.
Hell of a lot selfish.
I could throw the same shit to your face
- my sadistic desire to know what you really feel.
i do not think of happily ever after.
I do not think that we could be forever.
I just don't want to proceed with the fact
that it was only me.
Don't say that I'm beautiful
in a way to make me feel special.
Don't act as if you treat me different
- this is my insecurity talking.
Don't show me things that could induce hope.
As early as now,
Please tell me if this is just a joke.
I'l be content,
Please just tell me if you are not sure.
I would not wait.
Though, I would stay.
Then let's leave it at that.