An excerpt from September 27, 2007

It's gone...

The bliss that was once there.. it's gone
from what i can tell The walls i have destroyed was building again,
the gap that separated us was now too wide
Too wide!
I guess, it's the difference that was present.
The difference in time,
the difference in distance..
I cannot hope now that there'll be an us..
I should not at all hope that there could be...
I had once given up and moved on
but yet he had called again
What's past, is not to be lived at..
He said so himself
A sign? probably..

Now, i can only hope
but i can't, i need to give up hope.
I can't just live my life,
waiting for him to remember me.
I need to move on
I need to stop, I just need to.

If i could only know what he feels
if i could only know,
then i can just stop,
i can just stop hoping.. dreaming.
I really want to see him,,
Damn! it's so complicated
it's right i know,
the irony of life, my description of it
It's all very complicated..
Why can't i just walk up to his door
knock, then tell him
what i wanted him to hear.
Then i could just stop regretting
what i didn't do.
I need to, before its too late.
I need to..

Before somebody else could own his heart

My Mask

My mask is slipping off..
it seemed like it's broke
the force inside me
had knocked so hard,

it cracked my mask..

i can't put it back
i can't mask my face..

it's so hard to pretend
just to stop people from asking
it's so hard to lie
to some close hearts.
I wish it to stop,
so i won't wear it again.

I hate to wear that stupid broken mask.

An entry from June 20, 2007

I just finished my first class, Chemistry. Today i realized that it does not matter whether i am the weakest link or the class top nothing amongst valedictorians, salutatorians and honor rollers. It doesn't even matter what i am before. Here is a totally strange world where you could let your inner self out. I also realized my role to this society, in this university. I am here to express and learn not to impress others on what i am pretending to know.

College is a different river from what we came from. the current is stronger, the water deeper. if high school was you were dependent and if there's independence it is limited, college would be farther. you will be totally independent on your choices, on what you do. if teachers in high school are advisers and guidance counselors, here they are just the source of knowledge. You don't let them find you because they obviously won't. If in high school you'll spend your time being chased by teachers, college will be the other way around, looking for pins on a stack of needles. and then you'll see the irony in life: They give you a moment in heaven then they hit you like a baseball down into what seems like a living hell.

But now, as i see it, college would be interesting and fun.

First love,,

They say that first love never dies. i guess it was true from what I've heard, but is it really when it seems like you've been forgotten by the one who you thought to be your first love?

I was just this typical somebody. I was grade two and i didn't know him. It was the time of grade four when he, at last, made a grand entrance in my life. Grand? When i can't even remember how i met him. All i know is, that he's a seat mate, he became a friend.
Every passing day was a day worth looking forward to. There i developed into something a child cannot name. There at the mere presence of him, makes me smile.
He then spoke to me of things that cracks my shiny heart. The first stab of pain. He told me, he liked someone else. He didn't know what i felt for him. He even raved on how we looked alike. I felt weirded by his behavior. He told me of things i don't make sense of. He told me, he saw me when we were in grade 2. I don't even know him at that time. He wanted me to sit by his side. He even said yes for a picture with just the two of us! Something my childish mind can't agree with. He made me feel that he was, like, having an interest on me.
I was on the brink of asking him whether or not does he like me. And i almost did, if it wasn't for this pride i have.
And now, 4 years had passed since our unofficial adieu. Four years since the happy memories. Years since the unforgettable experiences.
Now, after four years of waiting, he then took another entrance in my life. We're not children anymore. We're already teenagers and after a year or so, legally adults. I have every opportunity of asking whether he loves me or not. I don't have the childlike courage who is not afraid of losing. I have now become so afraid of losing that only thing I have in this life. I was so scared of taking risks, of losing our friendship. My heart suffered 10 folds, it was already crumbling to dust at the sight of 'i love you' in his page. I wish to know if he cares for me. I wish to know if he feels the same way i do. I wish to know if it is true that first love never dies..

Life as I see it,,

Life in a city is not so great. you get to live with all modern antics, yes, but you'll get to miss what life has in store for you. Being in a city, is being in a fast paced world. You get to witness different trend which, amazingly, can last only 24 hours! i mean, if you're in an.. um.. uncivilized place then it was like you're a little, no, a lot, behind with the latest. confused? just imagine a trend that is "in" then somebody will just tell you that the "in" trend you were living on has long been expired for about a year.

Life in the city is never boring. you get to go to fancy malls and enjoy fully air-conditioned places, even in restrooms! You get to window shop at branded stores or scream to death on thrilling rides. What more can you ask? the fun, the opportunities and all the life you can ever imagine. that was what i thought, before i was exposed to a rural area.

The place i had gone into was exposed to the different cultures imposed upon by its inhabitants. this place, the place of the brains.

Here, most are those who came from far off places i haven't given a thought. Thier idea on who the people are was a complete opposite on my perspective. if i am a poor untalented being in my world, in this new dimension, i became a somebody. it was like having your own hidden self emerge through your skin. it was like being a someone.

The thing is, the fast paced "life" i had lived became a blur. i realized that the once slow rhythm of yesterday was really a fast flash of lightning. i never got to enjoy what life has laid out in front of me. i just stared at the farthest point and could not wait till i get there. and in so doing, i never did saw the people waving me to stop, to listen, to be heard.

Am i blaming all this to the fast paced life i had lived? no, but merely expressing that i just wished my life was not the life it really is. But then again, if ever that would happen then i wouldn't be in the kind of life i am now existing.

I would have been a different person.

...A confession

i have a confession
buried deep inside
i want it to be heard
by the one i am about

i have a confession
crawling its way out
i can't even ignore
this unheeded action

i have a confession
i wanted to speak
i wish i had the courage
to shout it out

this is my confession
i cannot say
no pain could have been great
whilst it is still inside

this confession of mine
is dragging me to the brink of insanity
what would it take
my mouth to say the words...

i love you