Sleep

Death state
the inconceivable state
between dreaming and waking up
transition to close
the air that would hung about
is somewhat stiff and dreary.

They say that to sleep
is to take a rest
They say that sleep is when
your mind is at ease
sanctuary for the tired
To sleep is to rest
to recharge or take a plunge deep
into the heavenly abyss.

To sleep is something like
an intake of aphrodisiac
wherein the feeling is pure bliss
and innocence may seem
like an old age poem.
To sleep is something
to murder your least favorite people and not get reprimanded
for your actions.
To sleep is to scorn,
to make haste, to do things slow
and to take suicide over and over
and not have to suffer the actual death.
To sleep
is something that twist reality
into something obscene,
something like a sort of fantasy.
And a slap in the face in times
that you needed to wake.

To my noodle (4)

You'll be there tomorrow.
When I won't.
I would have come by,
just to read some silly old reply.
This is how we get by.
This how we live,
I am lying in my bed
waiting for sleep to come.
It would succumb
after the nightmare would just pass by.

You'll be there tomorrow,
When we are hiding
amongst the shadow of discreet.
A handful knows how
we come in contact to.
And that handful can never tell
what happened between the two of us.

You're there tomorrow,
living your life.
While I sit here waiting for the time to come,
when it would be time for us to meet,
when it would be time for us to part,
This is sick.
All I ever did was to wait for your lies.

To my noodle (3)

You were a happy soul
from before we came in contact.
I can't help but blame myself.
I should stop.
What we had is something special.
Would always be.
And that would never change.

I love you.
Yet it doesn't hurt
'cause I know,
You would be there when I call.
I love you
It doesn't hurt
so much from my past experiences.
I love you
but this is wrong, we are wrong.
And the situation bothers me,
more than loving you does.

This is me.
Prior to any beginning.
I'm sorry,
I've felt like I've used you.
Thank you.
The life lessons that you taught me
was enough to cover
the lifetime I've had.
With you, there was thrill
and I've been able to experience
a whole amount of love,
a whole amount of care,
an open environment where I could be me,
I could express myself fully.
Thank you.
- for this situation.
- for making me realize,
How I could be happy without a man.
You made me feel alive
not through the pain
but with the thinking
that I am blessed with a life
which I had taken for granted.

This may have been love.
I can't stand to wait and see.
Though, I still get the feeling
that I want to run to your back
I have to stop.
We have to stop.
Before we get into this lot of complications
that may end hurting a lot of people.
- You, who claimed not to be.
- Me, who refuses to believe it until it happens.
- and the mother of your child,
who has a lot of things to do with it.
It may have been that I fell out of love.
I love you, that would remain
to the point that my stomach hurts.
I am happy
to hear you say I love you back
but this had been too much
and we're going with the flow.

I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of feeling numb.
I'm tired of being told I'm wrong.
And I'm scared to admit
'cause I know you'll let me go when I did.
I may cry, a lot, for now.
And for the upcoming times.
You may feel guilt.
But this is for the both of us.





20-06-2013

To my noodle (2)

I don't wish to partake
in something I had to share
Had it been somebody else
I would have left without a trace.

Why you?
Why the complications?
Why risk being hurt for an unquenched desire
to be liked and loved in return?
Truth be told, I haven't a clue.
Truth be told, I knew recklessness.
And this,
is mingled with stupidity.

It happened too fast.
It happened without a thought.
Alcohol is in my veins
- I could never believe that it could be venom
influencing the mind.
Alcohol is adrenaline.
the rush that corrupts the brain.
The all too stupid facts
threw itself like oil spill
- fast, immersible, and hugely impacting.

It wasn't fast
I was in a rush.
My dignity, is something I couldn't preserve
I don't care.
My darkness is spreading.
I won't care.
My life is already chaotic
- adding a bit of complications
makes a living out of hell.






13-6-2013

Anna Kendrick - my attempt on pencil sketch

-nuff said.

To my noodle.

Are we a bit fast?
I'm just a bit scared
because I trust people too much.

Are we a bit fast?
You came into my life
when things are in haze,
when I've broken down
infinitely many times
over the one I could
waste my life away.

Are we a bit fast?
when you said that you liked me,
there was an emotion
that stirs
akin to that of love.
I was interested,
to someone who I thought
would be there for me.

Are we a bit fast?
the answer that lies
that I could not acknowledge
Have I deprived you of emotions?
Is my assumption concrete?
Have you gone on waiting
- this opportunity of knowing me?

This is not fast.
This is just.
If what I presumed is correct,
from the beginning of knowing you,
then I have been blinded
swooped against a love
that I knew from the start
doomed to never live.
This is the answer
I could not indulge
- my massive fear of being rejected.

I've lived a life trying to please
I've lived a life being left alone
with no lantern lit.
You came to my life
a huge ray of light.
When I have been
in a phase of self destruct.
This might be rebound,
This might be real.
Me, thirsty for signs that I exist
found my hope,
my signal to being sane.
I would not agree
on something I would not give
wholeheartedly.
The minute you admit to my presumptions
- you became a part of my life.

I could never understand
the gravity of your circumstances.
I could never imagine
the depth of your pain.
I could feel inhibitions
and I could tell a bit of confusion.
My assumption dictates,
You could not leave
the mess of your situation.
I know its plain torture
to choose when you feel you've had
no right to choose.
Correct my assumptions,
Pardon me at my conceit.
If you would ever ask
for me to fight for you,
If you could just confirm
what my conceited mind is screaming
that what you feel is love not lust.
Then I would,
despite the opposition my naivety brings.

Are we a bit fast?
I could never acknowledge
the fact that I knew that we weren't.
I was scared. I still am
because if I let it, without any assurance
then I would break without fail.
Because if I let myself fall
I would fall to the point
of your suffocation.
Until I learn, not to depend on you
I would act in a similar sense to obsession.
If you would never realized
based on observation
If you would want this serious facade.
I'm telling you to leave.
I would never settle
for something short-lived.
I trust you.
And all I could return,
in case you break it
is a guilt that you'd leave me - in a broken mess.

I'm writing the things
I could not tell to your face.
You would listen.
You might not care
I went against the common belief
that you don't deserve this sort of naivety.
These were the things
you left as an impression,
things I would want you to consider.
You asked the reason for my previous stupidity
- it was because
I thought I could trust
a person without ill intentions.
I was on a rush to find someone who cares.

I don't believe
in the bullshit called friends
when you've laid your cards
with malicious intentions,
If you can't perceive
through my passage of thoughts
I am not a girl who would sleep with you
without heartfelt desires.
I know, this sounds as a warning bell
- if you get close to that extent
then stick to what you'll decide.
If you're going to proceed
then I'm not letting go.
This is me - with a serious
overwhelming desire to be loved in return.

My point being,
in these words of going around.
I don't want you to leave
with me hanging through your heels.
I could admit that there will be pain,
in case you do
once I've laid my own cards
I thought I was an open book
Prove me wrong,
when you've read through these njotes.
Are we a bit fast?
Is a question not aimed at you.
Its me. Its mine.
Am I a bit fast?
Caught with just a few conversations.
We've started in this intensity,
that my stomach churned, painfully,
whenever you're near.

I'm take my chances
I'm going for the risk.
I want to end it fast
because if I prolong it,
I might not endure the pain.
I do not know you enough
to trust my life in you
but from the minute you opened up - I did.

I want you to stop
if you have no firm resolve
this is a bit fast,
but I cannot go through
another broken down phase.
Hurting the people trying to understand
the darkness in my world.
Over a week of fast-paced conversations,
I could admit to myself
that if you proceed beyond that bullshit called friendship
explain and assure
that you would stand by my side,
I would be blind and wait. And lose myself.
I would fight for you,
and in turn, open up to the possibility
that I could love someone like you.

Call me a bit selfish.
Hell of a lot selfish.
I could throw the same shit to your face
- my sadistic desire to know what you really feel.
i do not think of happily ever after.
I do not think that we could be forever.
I just don't want to proceed with the fact
that it was only me.
Don't say that I'm beautiful
in a way to make me feel special.
Don't act as if you treat me different
- this is my insecurity talking.
Don't show me things that could induce hope.
As early as now,
Please tell me if this is just a joke.
I'l be content,
Please just tell me if you are not sure.
I would not wait.
Though, I would stay.
Then let's leave it at that.

Thoughts in june.

Ther's been a lot of ideas in my mind lately.

I'll start by enumerating and defining.

(1) Spur of the moment.

Been at MOA just for the heck of it.

I've asked permission to go on half-day because I decided to be responsible in terms of being my mother's daughter. Because constraints and ill-preparedness, I took the whole day off instead. I was really feeling guilty with the way things are going. I was ever so fucked up with everything else that I decided, out of a spur of the moment, to go to a nearby sea.

The sound of city pollution within the reach of my ears but the smell of ocean calms my soul. It clears my mind even for a bit.

Then I realized that most life changing decisions came from moments like these. Whether it be from impulse and reckless acts, in the long run everything that I had been doing would give impact to things that I would have never thought I would be doing. I began to think about my life as a cart waiting for destiny to move. The reason why, my 21 years in existence had been unmoving. My slow paced life was starting to pick up speed, development was arising in terms of people moving me to work, motivations, and still, the lingering feeling that says "I don't care about the world"

When I say I was easily moved by things and people wanting me to do several things, I am a fake. I can say no to things I don't want to do. I can say "I don't care" with some things that I may seem to care about. It's a lie when I say that my conscience is nagging me. I would think about it, dwell upon it, then after a few moments - forget about it.

The point being, before words drown what I'm trying to drive at, is that these moments mold who I am. It defines my aspect of living. It defines my personality. I am not driven by impulse, I think about the consequences long before it happens. It's just that I trust myself too much that I didn't think that my convictions would stray. In a sense, keeping this type of sense is partly a danger to my responsibility. I tend to shrug it off thinking that I could always pull it off and when the pinch came, I can't blame myself and I just sit down and cry.

(2) Attitudes.

When I opened up a topic to my friend, he shared an experience which I thought had actually made sense and in a way made me realize that my self centeredness was the cause of it. He told me about Anna's story. I didn't knew if the story had any factual basis nor was Anna her real name, but the thing that I understood was this: A person could change with the degree of respect you show to that person. Anna was a girl of the slum. Tomboyish attitude, nothing lady like and she was treated like equals among men. Two men, decided to conduct a project on her, their aim was to transform her into someone who would held men in captive with such grace and pride, as a lady. An easy thing to do? Sure, you could dress up a monkey, make it look human. But knowing that it was a monkey in a dress would not change that fact, unless you forgot that it was a monkey and treat it human. That was what happened to Anna. With the way that she was treated, she never changed. When the men treated her as a lady, in an instance, she became one.

That was what he advised me to do, a month ago from now. It made me think about the things that I had been doing. It made me realize that I was the one who made the people around me act that way. In a way, it was a revelation on how an insignificant person like me could affect how people think. It was conceited in a way but if you don't think that you are important, you'll be swallowed with the aura that radiates from other people. I realized that you have to be firm with who you are as to not lose your identity. If you would think about it, it might have been the reason why some people changed with the company of vices and grow fangs, bark at their heritage and turn back to who they were.

(3) People and relationships.

In one instance that you would see a connection between people who don't know each other, you'd realize that we were tangled on a spider's web. There were millions of people, thousand interactions with each day. You might meet your destiny while crossing the street for all you know. It was scary in a way that the worlds that you reside connects from person to person. It's fascinating in a way to live knowing that the people you meet might have some connections to your past, a friend of an ex-lover perhaps. People are simple by design and the people that you normally meet were people who runs along the same circle as you do. You would have the same crowd only you never really met.

With the way technology works at this age, obtaining information based on networks became an easy access to those who have access. You could unearth a network of people and connect it with another as long as you found a single similarities among millions. Then diversity would not matter so long as you have a common point of interest.

Diversity, in a sense is a strong definition that negates the connotation of clones. People could be different in terms of physique, people could be similar in terms of the "in-trend" as we call it. In such ways, we could connect it with the attitudes and the anthropological concept of immersion. When you lose yourself in the network of friends, you would begin to think like them, act like them and when time came that you were deemed useless you'll find yourself facing an identity crisis. You lost a lot of things - your life, your passion and the entirety of who you are gets buried with the amount of masks you had worn.

With the seeming disease that spreads like a viral infection, there was bias. The concept of biased perception hinders complete transformation into the "in-trend." This concept could harbor hatred and solidify it into a wall of belief that washes away that clone-disease and somewhat keeps sanity in tact. Bias, in a way, is something that could be seen in better light but it was a harm as well as it clouds better judgment.

Judgment and the ability to read people is one good weapon as to avoid losing oneself in a sea of attitudes. Attitudes are contagious, you pick up habits that are hard to rid, you pick things not weighing if the impact would be good or the implications would land you a prison cell. Peer pressure is a factor. The fear of being alone is a factor. The need for attention is a factor. Then, there were those skeptics who don't appreciate the trend. Individualist are some people who could highly be appreciation, they have judgment clouded with bias and the ability to read people were somewhat like a hobby that kept them occupied.

Individualist are classified within observers who look out side the box or the pacifists who doesn't care whether somebody was shot at on their faces. They walk with their head bowed down staring on the ground, ears plugged with the sound of heavy metal. They wear clouds out of whim, fashion sense outdated and could easily be joked like being left over from the previous era.

People are fascinating creatures to dwell into. People are easily moved by emotions. People may seem poker-faced but grieve when in solitude. People who are easily judged and people who could justify a person's acts by rumors.