Needs and Wants – thoughts dated August 2014.

There are a lot of things that we want but what we needed – the basic needs like shelter, food, warmth, and that utter need from a social human being: the need for reproduction. It’s not like I was looking for a mate or a soul mate or anything like that.

Or maybe I was, maybe I am.

But that’s the least of my priorities.

What I needed most is to live out of the expectations of being human. It’s hard. Maybe because we live in a society where you are expected to do something in return. And in turn, makes you suffer because there’s also a lot of things you wanted to do with your life.

Main thing is, to live for yourself.

“You only live once,” as we were told countless times by various people.

They expect that your decisions would be for yourself. Hypothetically, it is for yourself. But it is also for the expectations of all the other human beings besides yourself.

Maybe I’ve had that sort of aura where in people just can’t help  but to take care of me, look after me, and look over what I do. Consequently, they get angry, they get upset, they get disappointed. And disappointments are not really such good things. At least for me.

Along life that you are striving to live with every single day. In terms of meeting these expectations. In terms of meeting what you are required to do in a day to day basis. Within those things you do daily, that you struggle with the decisions that you make – see how it affects your life. Most specifically how it affects others.

I live within that projection, where others matter more than myself. And when I decided to bring out myself more – I was actually seen as someone negative – that is who I am. Bursting my own bubble. Looking towards what is negative in your place, take that as I an inspiration to do something better. To do things greater in how I would have done it.

That was bullshit.

I mean, my identity is already lost. People just started saying I’ve changed when in fact I just took out a layer, a cover, masking who I am.

Going back to what I want.

Then there are those things that I wanted to say, more than I should say, suddenly a picture of an antagonist that was created to bring others down.

That was an understatement.

Carpe Diem - is one of my few mottos in life. Philosophies that I tried to live by. And when I do that, I was suddenly presented with something so impulsive, so reckless that the future doesn’t seem clear enough. If you get what I mean.

It’s hard.

At the same time, it gets a bit easier because I’m kind of used to that demeanor and people just didn’t seem to understand.

And there were talks of pride, I was often told as the humblest person, kind in such manners. But then, this pride is actually what keeps me on moving forward. It keeps me from dwelling in some places disappointment lie. This pride actually gives me the reason to live.

Proving myself in terms of what I do.

Not dwelling on regret, not dwelling on what may have had been if I decided to stick through my decision. Persistence is my stupidity.

When do you say enough is enough? When would say that it’s time to move on? Is it something that society wrote in a book as a standard where everyone has to follow – where everyone knows where their boundaries lie? It’s a kind of vague line, a thin line between stupid and being wise. In being practical and being idealistic.

Reality is just like that. Vague. Unpredictable. So do the struggle towards other’s expectations where your own expectations are left unmet. Abandoned. And sometimes, piled under that rubble of thoughts where your own thoughts doesn’t even matter anymore.

Pride kills the human in me. But it also keeps me going with this struggling needs and wants.

Needs are simple things. Wants complicate things. Wants adhere with what you need, and need doesn’t adhere with what you want. It’s a long drawn battle. And I think I should just let it go.