To my noodle.

Are we a bit fast?
I'm just a bit scared
because I trust people too much.

Are we a bit fast?
You came into my life
when things are in haze,
when I've broken down
infinitely many times
over the one I could
waste my life away.

Are we a bit fast?
when you said that you liked me,
there was an emotion
that stirs
akin to that of love.
I was interested,
to someone who I thought
would be there for me.

Are we a bit fast?
the answer that lies
that I could not acknowledge
Have I deprived you of emotions?
Is my assumption concrete?
Have you gone on waiting
- this opportunity of knowing me?

This is not fast.
This is just.
If what I presumed is correct,
from the beginning of knowing you,
then I have been blinded
swooped against a love
that I knew from the start
doomed to never live.
This is the answer
I could not indulge
- my massive fear of being rejected.

I've lived a life trying to please
I've lived a life being left alone
with no lantern lit.
You came to my life
a huge ray of light.
When I have been
in a phase of self destruct.
This might be rebound,
This might be real.
Me, thirsty for signs that I exist
found my hope,
my signal to being sane.
I would not agree
on something I would not give
wholeheartedly.
The minute you admit to my presumptions
- you became a part of my life.

I could never understand
the gravity of your circumstances.
I could never imagine
the depth of your pain.
I could feel inhibitions
and I could tell a bit of confusion.
My assumption dictates,
You could not leave
the mess of your situation.
I know its plain torture
to choose when you feel you've had
no right to choose.
Correct my assumptions,
Pardon me at my conceit.
If you would ever ask
for me to fight for you,
If you could just confirm
what my conceited mind is screaming
that what you feel is love not lust.
Then I would,
despite the opposition my naivety brings.

Are we a bit fast?
I could never acknowledge
the fact that I knew that we weren't.
I was scared. I still am
because if I let it, without any assurance
then I would break without fail.
Because if I let myself fall
I would fall to the point
of your suffocation.
Until I learn, not to depend on you
I would act in a similar sense to obsession.
If you would never realized
based on observation
If you would want this serious facade.
I'm telling you to leave.
I would never settle
for something short-lived.
I trust you.
And all I could return,
in case you break it
is a guilt that you'd leave me - in a broken mess.

I'm writing the things
I could not tell to your face.
You would listen.
You might not care
I went against the common belief
that you don't deserve this sort of naivety.
These were the things
you left as an impression,
things I would want you to consider.
You asked the reason for my previous stupidity
- it was because
I thought I could trust
a person without ill intentions.
I was on a rush to find someone who cares.

I don't believe
in the bullshit called friends
when you've laid your cards
with malicious intentions,
If you can't perceive
through my passage of thoughts
I am not a girl who would sleep with you
without heartfelt desires.
I know, this sounds as a warning bell
- if you get close to that extent
then stick to what you'll decide.
If you're going to proceed
then I'm not letting go.
This is me - with a serious
overwhelming desire to be loved in return.

My point being,
in these words of going around.
I don't want you to leave
with me hanging through your heels.
I could admit that there will be pain,
in case you do
once I've laid my own cards
I thought I was an open book
Prove me wrong,
when you've read through these njotes.
Are we a bit fast?
Is a question not aimed at you.
Its me. Its mine.
Am I a bit fast?
Caught with just a few conversations.
We've started in this intensity,
that my stomach churned, painfully,
whenever you're near.

I'm take my chances
I'm going for the risk.
I want to end it fast
because if I prolong it,
I might not endure the pain.
I do not know you enough
to trust my life in you
but from the minute you opened up - I did.

I want you to stop
if you have no firm resolve
this is a bit fast,
but I cannot go through
another broken down phase.
Hurting the people trying to understand
the darkness in my world.
Over a week of fast-paced conversations,
I could admit to myself
that if you proceed beyond that bullshit called friendship
explain and assure
that you would stand by my side,
I would be blind and wait. And lose myself.
I would fight for you,
and in turn, open up to the possibility
that I could love someone like you.

Call me a bit selfish.
Hell of a lot selfish.
I could throw the same shit to your face
- my sadistic desire to know what you really feel.
i do not think of happily ever after.
I do not think that we could be forever.
I just don't want to proceed with the fact
that it was only me.
Don't say that I'm beautiful
in a way to make me feel special.
Don't act as if you treat me different
- this is my insecurity talking.
Don't show me things that could induce hope.
As early as now,
Please tell me if this is just a joke.
I'l be content,
Please just tell me if you are not sure.
I would not wait.
Though, I would stay.
Then let's leave it at that.

Thoughts in june.

Ther's been a lot of ideas in my mind lately.

I'll start by enumerating and defining.

(1) Spur of the moment.

Been at MOA just for the heck of it.

I've asked permission to go on half-day because I decided to be responsible in terms of being my mother's daughter. Because constraints and ill-preparedness, I took the whole day off instead. I was really feeling guilty with the way things are going. I was ever so fucked up with everything else that I decided, out of a spur of the moment, to go to a nearby sea.

The sound of city pollution within the reach of my ears but the smell of ocean calms my soul. It clears my mind even for a bit.

Then I realized that most life changing decisions came from moments like these. Whether it be from impulse and reckless acts, in the long run everything that I had been doing would give impact to things that I would have never thought I would be doing. I began to think about my life as a cart waiting for destiny to move. The reason why, my 21 years in existence had been unmoving. My slow paced life was starting to pick up speed, development was arising in terms of people moving me to work, motivations, and still, the lingering feeling that says "I don't care about the world"

When I say I was easily moved by things and people wanting me to do several things, I am a fake. I can say no to things I don't want to do. I can say "I don't care" with some things that I may seem to care about. It's a lie when I say that my conscience is nagging me. I would think about it, dwell upon it, then after a few moments - forget about it.

The point being, before words drown what I'm trying to drive at, is that these moments mold who I am. It defines my aspect of living. It defines my personality. I am not driven by impulse, I think about the consequences long before it happens. It's just that I trust myself too much that I didn't think that my convictions would stray. In a sense, keeping this type of sense is partly a danger to my responsibility. I tend to shrug it off thinking that I could always pull it off and when the pinch came, I can't blame myself and I just sit down and cry.

(2) Attitudes.

When I opened up a topic to my friend, he shared an experience which I thought had actually made sense and in a way made me realize that my self centeredness was the cause of it. He told me about Anna's story. I didn't knew if the story had any factual basis nor was Anna her real name, but the thing that I understood was this: A person could change with the degree of respect you show to that person. Anna was a girl of the slum. Tomboyish attitude, nothing lady like and she was treated like equals among men. Two men, decided to conduct a project on her, their aim was to transform her into someone who would held men in captive with such grace and pride, as a lady. An easy thing to do? Sure, you could dress up a monkey, make it look human. But knowing that it was a monkey in a dress would not change that fact, unless you forgot that it was a monkey and treat it human. That was what happened to Anna. With the way that she was treated, she never changed. When the men treated her as a lady, in an instance, she became one.

That was what he advised me to do, a month ago from now. It made me think about the things that I had been doing. It made me realize that I was the one who made the people around me act that way. In a way, it was a revelation on how an insignificant person like me could affect how people think. It was conceited in a way but if you don't think that you are important, you'll be swallowed with the aura that radiates from other people. I realized that you have to be firm with who you are as to not lose your identity. If you would think about it, it might have been the reason why some people changed with the company of vices and grow fangs, bark at their heritage and turn back to who they were.

(3) People and relationships.

In one instance that you would see a connection between people who don't know each other, you'd realize that we were tangled on a spider's web. There were millions of people, thousand interactions with each day. You might meet your destiny while crossing the street for all you know. It was scary in a way that the worlds that you reside connects from person to person. It's fascinating in a way to live knowing that the people you meet might have some connections to your past, a friend of an ex-lover perhaps. People are simple by design and the people that you normally meet were people who runs along the same circle as you do. You would have the same crowd only you never really met.

With the way technology works at this age, obtaining information based on networks became an easy access to those who have access. You could unearth a network of people and connect it with another as long as you found a single similarities among millions. Then diversity would not matter so long as you have a common point of interest.

Diversity, in a sense is a strong definition that negates the connotation of clones. People could be different in terms of physique, people could be similar in terms of the "in-trend" as we call it. In such ways, we could connect it with the attitudes and the anthropological concept of immersion. When you lose yourself in the network of friends, you would begin to think like them, act like them and when time came that you were deemed useless you'll find yourself facing an identity crisis. You lost a lot of things - your life, your passion and the entirety of who you are gets buried with the amount of masks you had worn.

With the seeming disease that spreads like a viral infection, there was bias. The concept of biased perception hinders complete transformation into the "in-trend." This concept could harbor hatred and solidify it into a wall of belief that washes away that clone-disease and somewhat keeps sanity in tact. Bias, in a way, is something that could be seen in better light but it was a harm as well as it clouds better judgment.

Judgment and the ability to read people is one good weapon as to avoid losing oneself in a sea of attitudes. Attitudes are contagious, you pick up habits that are hard to rid, you pick things not weighing if the impact would be good or the implications would land you a prison cell. Peer pressure is a factor. The fear of being alone is a factor. The need for attention is a factor. Then, there were those skeptics who don't appreciate the trend. Individualist are some people who could highly be appreciation, they have judgment clouded with bias and the ability to read people were somewhat like a hobby that kept them occupied.

Individualist are classified within observers who look out side the box or the pacifists who doesn't care whether somebody was shot at on their faces. They walk with their head bowed down staring on the ground, ears plugged with the sound of heavy metal. They wear clouds out of whim, fashion sense outdated and could easily be joked like being left over from the previous era.

People are fascinating creatures to dwell into. People are easily moved by emotions. People may seem poker-faced but grieve when in solitude. People who are easily judged and people who could justify a person's acts by rumors. 

Goodbye old me. Hello 2012.

Everything sank in prior to what had occurred these past few weeks.

First, I'll have to tell you that I never really like February due to various reasons:

(1) Because Valentines is on it - the usual bitter feeling when you've been single all your life.

(2) It was about a year ago when my dad 'happened'

(3) Just because it was February.

Second, last weeks was when I was drinking every other day which had been the way when I stopped school for a whole semester. Things are different now, BTW, as I've had to balance 3 things on my plate - Not an easy thing to do, dude, I only have two hands.

Third, our recent team building which left me a couple of stress and frustrations: Money, relationships, one-sided love, school exams, absenteeism and my ever so eternal frustration (won't delve into that, at least not at this early stage).

Fourth, an effect to my work, school, home and extra-curricular life. As well as my reactions and some problems that occurred.

Those things.

I might at least tell you a bit of myself just so you understand how I look into things.

I used to be an overly obssessive compulsive neat freakish grade conscious down to earth type of person. I nag a bit, which is an exaggeration because once I nag, I don't stop until I get what I want. I was never the one who looks beyond the future, I hate planning nad responsibilities, mainly because I think I had been responsible all my life - might have been because of my tendency to be responsible for the wrong things.

When I was a student, studies gets usually neglected because of my manga and anime addiction. I'm the type who puts off everything at the last minute yet still manages to get a passing score because of my grade conscious nature and mainly the fact that I don't really have anything to do. At least at that time.

Enter UP Diliman.

I became more neglectful, more addicted to my vices, more neat freakish and more questions on who am I, who I like and the ever budding frustration with a lot of things. I started to hate who I am, my family and the world I lived in. I began to see things in a new light but still get to adhere to school rules or rules in general, although, I'm starting to bend things. I'm starting to fail my subjects, starting to delve deep into the arts (poetry or visual arts) and began to develop characters that are a bit hidden to people in general. I'm hiding myself a bit more yet being open at the same time.

Enter end of Second year and the mother of all disasters.

My dad had a stroke attack. Just like fucking THAT.

I began to mess up my daily routine. Learned to budget, learned to appreciate people and life in general. I began a masochistic lifestyle and started to regret things. I'm slowly beginning to accept the fact that I have to stop school and solidified that ambition to get a job now, for an entirely different purpose - before, it was to accommodate my vices. Things would now be different from here onwards.

Worked.

Achievements are far beyond me. I don't care. I had a come what may attitude. But I never had this goal in life than I did before. I work to achieve my dreams, to finish my Geology course and to get into the field I wanted in the first place. My world expanded and I began to seen the world in another light - one that is more realistic, darker, harsher. I stopped being a child, met people, drank till I drop, enter into the zone of friends with benefits and began to understand myself more. I stopped believing in religion, got into the mindset that the government is corrupt and started to think evil that resides within the hearts of people. If I had been uncaring about my future in the past, the feeling seemed to intensify. I started caring about looks, throwing money for vices and started to light a smoke.

I got into the mindset that we were born to die and I might have a need to live my life to the fullest - at least try everything, whether it may produce a good outcome or not.

That had been me for nearly a year now.

In a month's time, all my efforts and experiences would take its toll.

I would have a taste of my own medicine.

You reap what you sow.

As cliché as all the lines were, I never truly understood its meaning until now.

Until now, when I was starting to question the things I have done.

My life is only getting started to get ruined.

So. Juggling between 3 things is really hard. I mean, you can never divide a 100% cleanly into 3 parts.

I juggle the stress from school, my frustrations for not finding the actual time study and getting distracted by the usual student vices I've had. From work, where my main problem is a guy who seemed to reciprocate what I feel but never really had the effort, and the usual litany about home where people are naturally irresponsible. I don't fucking care.

I know what my problem is. I don't need anyone to tell me that. It's not the people that surrounds me, nor the environment in all those aspects. Its' me. I don't have the clear view of what I want, in turn, I get distracted with things I haven't done when on the process of finishing something. I pile up half-meant, half-finished things to look at later.

Now, the reason for the title? Simple. Then onwards should be entirely different.

I need to be responsible. Commit more. And be firm with my decisions.

25 February Rant

25. Saturday

I've been reading past entries. Notepads and short stories alike. Stories that were almost always left unfinished.

Then I wondered. I'm lover of hobbies, of collections and things that are quite mundane in nature. Where had my zest in these things went? What had I been doing, struggling to balance the worlds that I reside in. Things are generally falling apart in all those aspects.

If I tried to focus on studies, my hobbies and the old things I did as a SOLE student kicks in.

If I tried to focus on work, I get tempted by drinking every now and then, getting home late at night and just wallow in self pity and depression.

If I worry about things at home, houseworks and acting like a human remote control, everything would be spiraling down the drain.

Maybe I lack the capability to become a renaissance man - one who does entirely everything. Maybe I should stop aiming to be one. So then, I won't live on like this.

That's right. I should probably grow up.

My sneaking habit.

I took a long drag
from one cigarette stick
paranoia creeps my skin
glancing by
the dimly lit kitchen,
a few paces from where I stand

I took a long drag
and a sip of caffeine,
clutching my stomach
as it somewhat boils
a door creaked
somewhere inside.

I hasten on a drag
threw that cigarette butt
a half finished stick.
The door opened
with a whiff of a stiff breeze
there she stood,
My mom with hairs on her edges.

Eyeshield 21 moments

Deimon's Battle cry before every match.
















Yukimitsu Manabu.
Signals to Hiruma when he wanted to play.














Pre-death march.

His team mates learned of his identity.

Christmas Bowl.

Match with Teikoku Gakuen.

Declaration to his Rival Senjurou Shin.

After Graduation.

Boringly Average.

That's what my whole existence is.

I'm already at my last year of high school.

Figured.

All I could ever bother about are the endless exams and preparations for college.

Not that I ever wanted to.

I don't.

But a girl like me, what am I supposed to do after graduation?

An option is to work my ass off - hell yeah. Yeah right.

Another one is live like a parasite - if you knew my parents, it's probably not a good idea.

Suicide is one thing - who would? And why would I?

Boredom?

My only option, of course, would be college.

Unless I found someone to marry me.

Preferably someone rich, but any man can honestly do.

As long as I don't have to work.

I'm one lazy ass, as you'd probably noticed.

So then on, one day, I was walking to school like any other day.

Minding my own business, thinking about these stuff when I almost died.

That's right, I almost died when some moron was walking like a drunk asshole in the road.

What's that got to do with me?

Well, the moron nearly collided with the ongoing car that was obviously driven by another drunk bastard.

How did I almost die by saving the bastard?

I was on the other side of the road and the only way to save the bastard was to push him, so the car ended up nearly hitting me, who was just trying to help.

The end product?

I got an arm injury ending up in some cast.

Great.

"Uh, Miss braids!"

I heard someone call.

I turned around. It was the drunk asshole bastard.

I waited for him to catch up.

He's wearing a suit. He looks about mid-twenties.

If not for my earlier prejudice against him I would have found him good-looking.

But right now, I'm pissed.

Well?

He was catching his breath.

Taking his time.

I'm freaking pissed.

"I want to apologize to what happened earlier and of course to offer you my thanks."

"No problem."

I turned to leave before I give this guy a piece of my mind.

"Huh?"

"I said, it's no problem. Any sane person would've done the same thing. You don't have to offer any thanks. I appreciate the thought anyway."

I was really really pissed. One more push and he's gonna get it -

"A-are you sure, that's i--?"

"Look. I'm trying to be nice here so bear with me. No, listen. First, next time, go to work with your hangover washed out I don't freaking care about your stupid problems. Second, when somebody says it's 'all right and I appreciate the thought', it might be a little better to leave that person be, since that person might be feeling a little murderous about something - like being bothered for instance. No, maybe I'm pissed because you are acting like a flirt and flirts make me want to hurl, then die on some freaking corner. I'm not saying that all people are like that but please -- what are you laughing at?"

He was obviously suppressing his laughter.

"I… haha… sorry… haha… it's just… t-that… haha…"

It took a while before he could actually talk straight.

"I'll really treat you as a token of my appreciation. Come on."

I realized I wasn't that pissed anymore since I probably released all that anger through that monologue, and so, agreed to his proposal.

He wasn't such an ass as I thought he would be.

For someone like me, he was very considerate.

Apparently, he got tangled into a staff night out.

Honestly, adults should be more responsible with their life.

Look at me, I'm talking about that.

He treated me to ramen in some shop downtown, it was convenient for me since I lived a couple of blocks from here.

"What do you do anyway?"

"I work for my father."

"As what?"

"Let's just say, I do paperwork all the time."

"Boring."

"You, what do you plan to do after graduation? College?"

"My parents want to."

But in reality I don't know what to do.

No. I already know what to do.

I'm just embarrassed to admit it out loud.

"But what do you want?"

Is he seriously asking that?

"It's a secret."

The next time I saw him again, my arm was already healed.

I was going home with a scowl, pouting mentally and silently cursing my homeroom adviser.

She didn't have to rub it in.

I don't mean to brag or anything, but my grades were really far from average.

It wasn't an understatement to say that because I'm currently ranked third from the whole year.

It's just that I don't really care about my grades THAT much.

I mean, I study for exams because I've got nothing to do.

In fact, I've done nothing but study on my free times because I was so freaking bored.

So now, here I was walking home with an armload of college application forms and brochures, like hell do I need these things.

Maybe I'll let my parents choose.

Maybe I'll just be a parasite.

Maybe I'll go on and apply for some lame job that doesn't need a college diploma.

Or maybe I'll take suicide.

"Miss braid?"

It was the drunk asshole.

Maybe I should start calling him by some other name, you know, more decent than what I was secretly calling him.

He treated me to ramen in that same shop.

Since I was the one looking so sulky, he listened to my complaints.

"You are one bored little fellow."

Little?

"So?"

"Have you ever thought about what you really wanted?"

Yes. I'm really just embarrassed to admit what it is out loud.

"How about you, is what you're doing the thing you really want?"

I decided to divert the whole attention from me.

I never realized it could work, dramatically.

He was silent.

It was the gravest moment in my life, waiting for his answer.

"Maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere because what I am having was something I didn't think I could ever want."

"That's stupid."

He looked at me, surprised at my remark.

"I mean, if you took a wrong turn, what's there to be hesitant about? You're still young aren't you? How is it that it's too late? Work hard to make it happen, things won't proceed with you just thinking where in the world did you make that wrong turn. That's just plain moronic."

I took my time drinking from my ramen bowl when I realized what I just did.

"You never fails to surprise me."

"I never intended to."

"Are you sure you don't really want to tell me what you want?"

"Are you for real?"

He became a frequent stranger who came into my life.

As time goes by, with all the talks between bowls of ramen.

We talk about life, our views and thoughts about certain things.

Most of the time, he just listens.

He seems mesmerized with the words coming out of my mouth like it was some sort of wisdom.

I'm just stating facts though.

And as the time progressed, we, the nameless strangers, I mean, I, probably did the most sinful thing that could break this current relationship.

I fell in love. Hard.

Being the impatient being that I was, I confessed to him.

He was apparently surprised.

"Why?"

"What a stupid question."

I was being myself as always. My sarcastic and uncaring-to-what-other-people-thinks self.

He was quiet and I noticed his uneasiness.

It's over.

I felt a pang of deep regret to what I just did.

When it seems that he wasn't answering, I decided to stop his agony.

"I'm sorry. I seemed to have caused you some disturbance."

I stood up and tried to smile at him,

"Goodbye, it's been nice seeing you. Thank you."

I never even looked back, at least I didn't want him to see I had a heart.

And that I was crying my eyes out for some drunk asshole who I never even asked the name.

When I told my parents what I really wanted to do, they weren't the slightest surprised.

No. I was actually.

"We knew."

Really?

"You were never happy when receiving awards for your good standing in class."

Figures. They really are my parents.

I told them I'd work. Until such time that my 'requirement' would appear from nowhere.

At least, I'm still hoping I'd meet the asshole but to no avail.

I still eat at the ramen stand though.

But on times I knew he wouldn't go there.

Even if I had to cut classes.

Graduation came.

Goodbyes.

Tears.

Freedom.

And my ever heartbroken homeroom adviser crying her eyes out at me while looking disappointedly upon a handful of scholarship offerings I blatantly turned down without even opening my ears to what they had to say.

"You. I gave you those opportunities and you just threw them away? Do you have any idea how much trouble I had to go through?"

"Who told you to, stupid?"

I turned around when I realized who talked.

"I already quit my job. Er, just now in fact."

"What are you going to do now?"

He was a teacher from my school.

"I'll study medicine. Be a doctor. You? What is it that you really want?"

I went over. Kissed him on his lips.

How unfair was it that people never seemed to be surprise at the things I do?

"Then? What is it?"

"Marry me."

I secretly triumphed at his reaction.

He was obviously surprised.

"You're really sneaky, you know that?"

And in a much lower voice he whispered before giving me another kiss,

"I love you too."

Notes:

Somewhat like a draft.

Feels like I wanted to post it here.

Feel free to leave comments, suggestions, criticisms.