Mayfly

whenever morning comes,

rejoice.

Life welcomes,

rebirth.

the start of everything else

probably something

along the line

-- you and I met.

whenever midday comes,

emergence occurs.

the time we were at peak,

midst of our lives.

The time when,

we found ourselves, perhaps

Fall in love.

Fall out of love.

Fall in love

out of luck, mixtures in a flask.

in the evening,

the red sunset

was like a traffic light.

Stop.

it's not that

there'll ever be a green light.

-- for me

-- for you

-- for something like "never" us.

Life is short-lived

the usual buzz

the usual cycle.

in the end, by the end of the day

we die.

Poems are Letters

What better things to write

than the classic way to start.

"Dear -"

What comes after would be a waste of time.

What comes before,

was a jumbled mess.

I tried so hard to compose

somewhat like a song.

The melody of your voice

singing at the top of your lungs

- tunelessly, faint.

but your voice nevertheless.

whereas indistinct,

YOURS, nevertheless.

You,

the last part, I'd rather leave blank

since you've uncovered

an indeterminate me.

Decisions are something that goes beyond

out of reach.

but what you ask you say

I answer not out of obligation,

rather, it was after all somewhat nice

somewhat special, perhaps.

I'm nearing the concusion,

a bit ore with words in circles.

For mere compliments you breathe

in my ears.

Touch, while a blush creeps like a vine

for that warmth of your hands

that lingers for some time.

the things somewhat sparks,

something that blooms inside my --.

Journal post.

Let me spill the contents of my heart.

The first time I encountered you.

would be the first time I saw you.

My first impression was: "This guy is awfully quiet."

You actually didn't matter.

You were the same as everybody else.

You were nobody.

I was foolish to think that way.

It was that time,

that you were the second person who gave me something to think about.

Maybe I reminded you of who you used to be.

Maybe I perked your interest.

Maybe you pitied me, who don't say much.

Whatever the reason.

You talked to me first.

The second encounter was when the joke began.

You started holding my hands.

This was round about the first time, I felt that.

Flirting.

This is how being flirted feels like.

My virgin mind went haywire.

I started to feel consciousness.

I realized things such as femininity.

Relationships.

Connections.

Infatuations.

Uncertainties.

Most of all,

Me.

I never got to know myself, more than I do now.

You caused quite a stir, that you've made me changed this much.

From then on.

Things became haywired.

Everytime you look,

in my mind's eye, all I could perceive was your eyes.

I struggle.

I want to talk to you.

I wanted to reach you.

I wanted to be myself when I'm with you.

But wanting and doing are two different things.

I couldn't talk to you.

I couldn't think.

I ignore you most of the time.

I can't look at you in the face, thinking about how I would look.

It was like, a force field that surrounds you.

There is a barrier between us.

We are different.

Completely.

Aside from that attraction on my side.

nothing more.

I started to acquire the interest that you have.

I wanted to look into things in your perspective.

I wanted everyday to see you.

I wanted to sit with you.

I wanted to talk to you. Break the ice.

It's becoming hard to just be in your presence.

I don't want you to think that I am boring.

I don't want you to leave because I didn't do anything.

You are my caffeine.

I hope you could understand that.

I wrote you that poem.

I thought of you, more than anyone else when I wrote it.

Even so,

after what everyone keeps telling me.

"Don't expect."

I reply that I don't.

I keep telling myself that I wasn't.

That I was hoping.

It was all lies.

I love you.

I wonder how many times I wrote that with a person in mind.

I like this person romantically. He's the one.

I hope you're different.

I hope you'll be the one to break this unhealthy habit.

It's eating me.

Teaching me that humanity is supposed to impose upon me the knowledge that we were meant to fall in love infinitely many times without that person loving you back.

Because frankly speaking, I'm getting tired of having people pass by without giving me a second glance.

I want to live with the assurance that there was someone out there waiting for me.

<20Aug2011>

WIP from long ago.

WIP for way way back.

I didn't get to finish this. Even now.

Or at least, I made some modifications which I didn't like and thus, it was labeled as 'Eternally WIP.'

I'm planning to scan my recent artworks just so I could post it on my dA account but I can't seem to find time to do it.

Or at least, every time I get a free one, I don't feel like scanning stuff so I put things off to do so in the near future.

Yeah. The so-called 'Filipino' habit almost becoming a stereotype for us.

Details?

Checkout withoutashoe.tumblr.com

On the spot poetry.

Left alone.

LSS on the move.

Random thoughts that flutter by,

drinking coke in the middle of the night.

Fantasy became the root of existence,

truth meld with lies.

Reality became the basis of an illusion,

Rainbows run with their colors left behind.

I don't even think,

I make the slightest sense to anyone else

but me.

31Oct2010 Journal entry.

31 October 2010

It's my semestral break.

Kind of explains why I'm almost writing everyday.

Notice that when I do write long entries,

it's because I was bored, I just had a revelation, my head was full,

or the classic exams.

I opened another one note file.

It's an attempt.

I like writing stories.

Even if my grammar isn't THAT good.

Or my plot's really boring.

Or that I never really had a finished composition.

Seems like the only ones I finished were poems.

I love writing poems,

but I can't write something as bright as cheery,

I can't love love poems,

because I lack the experience.

Definitely.

I'm feeling a bit regretful, BTW.

I want to go this ani-con on November 6 but I don't have any money.

I've saved at least a hundred,

but now it's just 30 because I couldn't resist spending.

I'm a big spender.

maybe if i'm earning money, it'll all be used up before the month ends.

because I knew I'll have another batch by the next month.

I'm one stupid spender, who has poor management skills.

What the hell.

So yeah, THAT ani-con.

I wasn't going just because I learned that THAT is going.

(A bit rude of me to address a person as 'THAT')

I was going there originally,

I was only regretful because THAT was going and I can't.

It was like a promise that I'm going to break.

Not that I actually promised anything.

But I said I'm going to be there because I'll laugh at THAT costume.

I. Do. Not. LIKE. THAT.

THAT, the person.

(NOt yet?)

You know, I realized something.

I'm not really ready for relationships.

All these years, I was wishing for one.

But I realized, no, not really.

I'll just hang in here, enjoy my youth and worry about these things when I'm 25.

I'm still open for possibilities though.

Ack! That'll be for another 5 years!

JUST 5 years.

I'll be 20 in about 2 days.

Scary.

Birthdays are scaring me every year.

-Am posting this just for the heck of it.

Stress dump.

I'm typing to relieve stress.

I'm sleepy. I'm tired. My normal sleeping time was 3 hours max, with occasional small naps during small intervals in my everyday living.

College Hell's coming over for a week, exams are flooding and everything's becoming a tornado of procrastination and laziness. That my friend, what happens when negligence becomes your best friend and will tell you that time management is a sin.

So there, I've had this report, due tomorrow. Plus the presentation for this one. Then math homework. The need to study for three written exams and one laboratory exam. Not to mention the everyday chore I need to do. I don't really have the luxury to do my vices anymore (By vices I meant my daily dose of manga, drawing until my hands hurt or writing something ridiculous that makes people want to throw up for the cheesiness). Ah but, sooner or later I'll probably realize that these things when rushed produces no good results. That's always the trend with me: first I worry, after that I won't care, then if I don't fail, that's good. What simple minded reasons.

Aside from my never-ending problems with school as such, I also have one at home.

I mean, I love my dad. I don't blame anyone from what happened to him. But basically, when THAT happened to him, I'm starting to love my mom LESS. I mean, we've always been on the rocky side of the relationship but not to the verge of me loving her LESS. Maybe less like that is harsh, I meant less like, well, less in a minimal quantity. Anyway. It just gets annoying whenever she talks of her leaving us whenever she feels tired or something. What the heck happens to 'till death do us part'? It's her way of thinking that makes me want to puke. Like, is sshe the only one getting this type of feeling. Hell, that's what I've been feeling ever since (EVEN before THAT happened. No shit), and you don't see me threatening people that I'll leave or something. What a good way to show your kids unconditional love.

Oh yeah, what happened to my dad?

He's down with the stroke. Still on rehab, but greatly improving. I'm happy for the vast improvement. And I really appreciate him more than before. Well, mom, yeah, because whenever she's in front of my dad, she's really putting up a brave front. Like, she's in charge.

The only annoying face of her is when he's out to dreamland. God, it's depressing. You should hear her.

Ah, even if this post made it sound like she's the antagonist in my emo-story. I still love her. Less than before maybe, but the feeling will never be emptied.