Stress dump.

I'm typing to relieve stress.

I'm sleepy. I'm tired. My normal sleeping time was 3 hours max, with occasional small naps during small intervals in my everyday living.

College Hell's coming over for a week, exams are flooding and everything's becoming a tornado of procrastination and laziness. That my friend, what happens when negligence becomes your best friend and will tell you that time management is a sin.

So there, I've had this report, due tomorrow. Plus the presentation for this one. Then math homework. The need to study for three written exams and one laboratory exam. Not to mention the everyday chore I need to do. I don't really have the luxury to do my vices anymore (By vices I meant my daily dose of manga, drawing until my hands hurt or writing something ridiculous that makes people want to throw up for the cheesiness). Ah but, sooner or later I'll probably realize that these things when rushed produces no good results. That's always the trend with me: first I worry, after that I won't care, then if I don't fail, that's good. What simple minded reasons.

Aside from my never-ending problems with school as such, I also have one at home.

I mean, I love my dad. I don't blame anyone from what happened to him. But basically, when THAT happened to him, I'm starting to love my mom LESS. I mean, we've always been on the rocky side of the relationship but not to the verge of me loving her LESS. Maybe less like that is harsh, I meant less like, well, less in a minimal quantity. Anyway. It just gets annoying whenever she talks of her leaving us whenever she feels tired or something. What the heck happens to 'till death do us part'? It's her way of thinking that makes me want to puke. Like, is sshe the only one getting this type of feeling. Hell, that's what I've been feeling ever since (EVEN before THAT happened. No shit), and you don't see me threatening people that I'll leave or something. What a good way to show your kids unconditional love.

Oh yeah, what happened to my dad?

He's down with the stroke. Still on rehab, but greatly improving. I'm happy for the vast improvement. And I really appreciate him more than before. Well, mom, yeah, because whenever she's in front of my dad, she's really putting up a brave front. Like, she's in charge.

The only annoying face of her is when he's out to dreamland. God, it's depressing. You should hear her.

Ah, even if this post made it sound like she's the antagonist in my emo-story. I still love her. Less than before maybe, but the feeling will never be emptied.

This one's from MOA.

That's me, my sister, my brother (with the long hair) and my youngest sister.

Mood swing

I thought, "What the hell."

Suddenly.

Just like that.

Kind of strange since I was just sitting there.

Doing nothing.

Maybe that's why I had that sudden thought.

I was bored.

No, I WASN'T bored.

I AM bored.

Probably,

In my everyday course of event.

If you'd really think about it.

I wake up.

Eat.

Take a bath.

Get ready for school.

Ride a bus.

Wait for an hour.

Ride a jeep.

Get in class.

Listen for 10 minutes.

Get bored.

Want to go home.

Get home when it's already evening.

Sit back and open the laptop.

Stare at the laptop.

Eat dinner.

Do irrelevant things until 2 am.

Do that at least everyday omitting the part about school.

That's basically my life right now.

Inuyasha transition

I'm feeling a little hyped today, that's why I'm posting THIS much today.

Either THAT or just cause I've stacked up things to post.

I so don't like having limited connections (I meant internet).

First Sketch that I'm able to upload.

I've had these phases in my life.

Where I just suddenly want to do this one thing.

Last week, I played guitar almost everyday.

I recorded one song (without the vocals - my voice sucked at that time, I had the flu. Not that my voice is any better), and I thought it sounded decent. Compared to how I was xx months ago.

This week was sketching.

I just had the sudden impulse to grab my half empty sketchbook and draw.

The picture here was a scanned image.

I used sign pens and colored pencil as medium.

Originally, I just wanted it to be all hair and stuff, like I wouldn't have to draw any body but then, that's just art.

I can't really tell whatever the outcome's gonna be.

(Gosh, I feel like my English isn't any good today)

Overall, I thought the hair looked like feathers.

Just so you know.

I have an exam tomorrow.

To which, this exam therefore, I need to acquire about 90%.

I'm worried.

Not for passing's sake, but for the fact that I'm not worried about it. At all.

I've been spending this free day, lying around and taking long doses of sleep, watching DVDs, reading manga, writing things absolutely unrelated to school - stuff I do during weekends.

Not that it actually matters.

I find that the things I do, doesn't matter to society.

Like, hell, I DON'T think I matter anyway.

I'll keep this brief.

I don't think I'll be sleeping any time soon.

I have to memorize minerals. And study for this exam.

Really.

4 November entry.

Maybe i'm a masochist.
Even though my tears are falling,
I feel like laughing.
Out loud.
even though my back is aching,
I yearn for the pain to return over and over again.
Do you think knives hurt?
Do you think amputation does more?
Do you think pleasures are pure fun?
Or do yo think I'm going crazy?
Like, uncaring whether I'll get a few scratches or that I'll faint.
Like, doing things as an act of rebellion but it's like I'm rebelling against myself.
No.
Yes.
Which is it?

The worst thing after a storm is the embarassment you'll have to face after everything has been done.
I don't blame them.
It's eternally my fault.
Yes, I don't blame them.
Rather, it's giving me a happy feeling.
Because they gave me something to cry about.
I've been trying really hard.

I don't care if I'm hated.
I've made that clear quite enough right now.
I don't care if they think I'm all high and mighty.
This is the only place I can think of where I can be myself.
Where I could readily excape at this reality.
Where I am not the docile and kindhearted person people often thought off.
It's a lie when I said that I don't want to be hated.
It may be for a little while before I could go out and start pushing people away.
The rate that's going on,
I'd say, it'll not be long enough before I can be alone.
I mean, I don't really push my friends away.
I just don't take care of them.
Like, how they treat me anyways.

Then maybe I should smile when I plan of suicide.
And laugh when I execute them.