Everything sank in prior to what had occurred these past few weeks.
First, I'll have to tell you that I never really like February due to various reasons:
(1) Because Valentines is on it - the usual bitter feeling when you've been single all your life.
(2) It was about a year ago when my dad 'happened'
(3) Just because it was February.
Second, last weeks was when I was drinking every other day which had been the way when I stopped school for a whole semester. Things are different now, BTW, as I've had to balance 3 things on my plate - Not an easy thing to do, dude, I only have two hands.
Third, our recent team building which left me a couple of stress and frustrations: Money, relationships, one-sided love, school exams, absenteeism and my ever so eternal frustration (won't delve into that, at least not at this early stage).
Fourth, an effect to my work, school, home and extra-curricular life. As well as my reactions and some problems that occurred.
Those things.
I might at least tell you a bit of myself just so you understand how I look into things.
I used to be an overly obssessive compulsive neat freakish grade conscious down to earth type of person. I nag a bit, which is an exaggeration because once I nag, I don't stop until I get what I want. I was never the one who looks beyond the future, I hate planning nad responsibilities, mainly because I think I had been responsible all my life - might have been because of my tendency to be responsible for the wrong things.
When I was a student, studies gets usually neglected because of my manga and anime addiction. I'm the type who puts off everything at the last minute yet still manages to get a passing score because of my grade conscious nature and mainly the fact that I don't really have anything to do. At least at that time.
Enter UP Diliman.
I became more neglectful, more addicted to my vices, more neat freakish and more questions on who am I, who I like and the ever budding frustration with a lot of things. I started to hate who I am, my family and the world I lived in. I began to see things in a new light but still get to adhere to school rules or rules in general, although, I'm starting to bend things. I'm starting to fail my subjects, starting to delve deep into the arts (poetry or visual arts) and began to develop characters that are a bit hidden to people in general. I'm hiding myself a bit more yet being open at the same time.
Enter end of Second year and the mother of all disasters.
My dad had a stroke attack. Just like fucking THAT.
I began to mess up my daily routine. Learned to budget, learned to appreciate people and life in general. I began a masochistic lifestyle and started to regret things. I'm slowly beginning to accept the fact that I have to stop school and solidified that ambition to get a job now, for an entirely different purpose - before, it was to accommodate my vices. Things would now be different from here onwards.
Worked.
Achievements are far beyond me. I don't care. I had a come what may attitude. But I never had this goal in life than I did before. I work to achieve my dreams, to finish my Geology course and to get into the field I wanted in the first place. My world expanded and I began to seen the world in another light - one that is more realistic, darker, harsher. I stopped being a child, met people, drank till I drop, enter into the zone of friends with benefits and began to understand myself more. I stopped believing in religion, got into the mindset that the government is corrupt and started to think evil that resides within the hearts of people. If I had been uncaring about my future in the past, the feeling seemed to intensify. I started caring about looks, throwing money for vices and started to light a smoke.
I got into the mindset that we were born to die and I might have a need to live my life to the fullest - at least try everything, whether it may produce a good outcome or not.
That had been me for nearly a year now.
In a month's time, all my efforts and experiences would take its toll.
I would have a taste of my own medicine.
You reap what you sow.
As cliché as all the lines were, I never truly understood its meaning until now.
Until now, when I was starting to question the things I have done.
My life is only getting started to get ruined.
So. Juggling between 3 things is really hard. I mean, you can never divide a 100% cleanly into 3 parts.
I juggle the stress from school, my frustrations for not finding the actual time study and getting distracted by the usual student vices I've had. From work, where my main problem is a guy who seemed to reciprocate what I feel but never really had the effort, and the usual litany about home where people are naturally irresponsible. I don't fucking care.
I know what my problem is. I don't need anyone to tell me that. It's not the people that surrounds me, nor the environment in all those aspects. Its' me. I don't have the clear view of what I want, in turn, I get distracted with things I haven't done when on the process of finishing something. I pile up half-meant, half-finished things to look at later.
Now, the reason for the title? Simple. Then onwards should be entirely different.
I need to be responsible. Commit more. And be firm with my decisions.
