Just so you know.

I have an exam tomorrow.

To which, this exam therefore, I need to acquire about 90%.

I'm worried.

Not for passing's sake, but for the fact that I'm not worried about it. At all.

I've been spending this free day, lying around and taking long doses of sleep, watching DVDs, reading manga, writing things absolutely unrelated to school - stuff I do during weekends.

Not that it actually matters.

I find that the things I do, doesn't matter to society.

Like, hell, I DON'T think I matter anyway.

I'll keep this brief.

I don't think I'll be sleeping any time soon.

I have to memorize minerals. And study for this exam.

Really.

4 November entry.

Maybe i'm a masochist.
Even though my tears are falling,
I feel like laughing.
Out loud.
even though my back is aching,
I yearn for the pain to return over and over again.
Do you think knives hurt?
Do you think amputation does more?
Do you think pleasures are pure fun?
Or do yo think I'm going crazy?
Like, uncaring whether I'll get a few scratches or that I'll faint.
Like, doing things as an act of rebellion but it's like I'm rebelling against myself.
No.
Yes.
Which is it?

The worst thing after a storm is the embarassment you'll have to face after everything has been done.
I don't blame them.
It's eternally my fault.
Yes, I don't blame them.
Rather, it's giving me a happy feeling.
Because they gave me something to cry about.
I've been trying really hard.

I don't care if I'm hated.
I've made that clear quite enough right now.
I don't care if they think I'm all high and mighty.
This is the only place I can think of where I can be myself.
Where I could readily excape at this reality.
Where I am not the docile and kindhearted person people often thought off.
It's a lie when I said that I don't want to be hated.
It may be for a little while before I could go out and start pushing people away.
The rate that's going on,
I'd say, it'll not be long enough before I can be alone.
I mean, I don't really push my friends away.
I just don't take care of them.
Like, how they treat me anyways.

Then maybe I should smile when I plan of suicide.
And laugh when I execute them.

On Privacy and the way of things.

My family's big on Asian series.

That's why for the past few days, we've been living practically like zombies.

With all the 'just one episode more' crap.

I mean, it's totally cool if once in a while we do that.

But please, get a life.

It isn't cool to compare yourself to your own child over your obsession with current Korean series.

Sure, it's about the same when we, the supposedly teenagers, get gaga over things like live action series, anime series or manga serializations.

The point being here, what we do does not bother anyone.

Not physically, its your problem if you want to give a grief over what we do or whether we get sleepless nights because whatever happens anyway, I NEVER get to be listened.

My life is like this.

Since I was little, I wished for my own room.

Maybe now, I get the reality that it'll never come true no matter what happens.

I'm not even hoping for it.

Even a miracle.

No, because somehow, I adapted to the nomadic kind of living.

Whenever they sleep late, I sleep later.

Whenever they don't sleep, whatever's another sleepless night.

I don't give a grief about what they do.

But I do mind the things they say.

I don't mind getting scolded for being addicted to sorts of things that renders me sleepless.

But I do mind if they did that to my face while exploiting my privacy rights.

Makes sense?

I don't think so.

Topic shift.

Not really.

I love the night.

I love the darkness, the cold.

The stars and the cold heavy silence.

Especially the rainy nights.

Why?

Because that's where I get a taste of the so-called privacy.

Maybe it's something insignificant to some people.

But that is what actually keeps my sanity intact.

I'm not mad.

It's just sad to think that the people closest to you are the ones who could LEAST understand you.

Or rather, the ones that were so narrow minded and takes you for granted.

The very ones who are the first to break your heart.

Like hell, would I be comforted where I felt heartache the most.